Saturday, October 24, 2015

My Sexual Encounter With Father Yod

I wanted to begin my blog by writing about what was probably the most disillusioning experience that I had with Father Yod while in The Source Family.....one that I have been, frankly; too embarrassed to ever talk about; but which I feel needs to be told and would be helpful for others to read; especially for other women who were in The Source Family, who also feel they were sexually taken advantage of by a man who was seen as a 'spiritual father or teacher', and how the experiences and stories from the women who were in The Source Family should now be told for others to learn; especially women who might be starry-eyed and enthralled with the story of "Father Yod and The Source Family."  It was 1974 and I had just returned from Oahu to join the rest of the family in Los Angeles, after living on the land in Makawao, Maui having been part of the first wave of mothers with children and pregnant women who were sent there abruptly, after an infant in the group was taken to a local LA emergency room with a serious staph infection, and with the impending threat of social services descending on the house, or compound where we all had been living. The family members who had remained behind in Los Angeles were Jim Baker aka Father Yod and his entourage of women, along with the band members and those who ran The Source Restaurant.  I was feeling extremely vulnerable, after having just given birth to my son. Upon returning, I felt my position within the family tenuous; as, I had now become a nursing mother and could no longer work in the restaurant.  But, at the time; I felt the need to return to the rest of the family in Los Angeles, to what I thought would be the comfort and safety of the larger group. One day, Father Yod's main woman, Makushla came to me and to my horror, told me that Father Yod had summoned me; that he wanted to see me. My instincts told me why and what was coming next.  I knew that my being summoned to his room meant that he wanted to have sex with me, much to my dismay and consternation. But, I was being summoned by the leader of our cult, Father Yod and I had to go, or risk censure or being ostracized for not behaving or performing as was expected of me.  I was absolutely dreading something that others saw as some kind of sacred honor!  The next hour or so alone with Father Yod in his upstairs room at what was called The Father House was one of the strangest, yet eye-opening episodes of my entire six year stint of being in The Source Family. At the time, Father Yod had already replaced his legal wife, Robin Baker aka Ahom with Makushla, to be his primary woman; although Robin remained by his side, plus he already had his bevy of other women with him many younger, and much more beautiful than me.  Then, why, I ask did Father Yod feel the need to have sex with me??!! Why??? When he had so many beautiful and willing women surrounding him already, why did Father Yod feel that he needed to have sex with me; with one more woman.  Why indeed. Thankfully, the event never repeated itself; as I was never physically attracted to Father Yod and never had designs on becoming one of his women.  I had always just seen him as my 'spiritual Father', not someone whom I wanted to engage in sex. So, although the sexual exchange with Father Yod somehow made me feel that my position within the family had been secured; it also left me feeling confused and deflated about everything.  What could have possibly been Father Yod's motive or the point of our exchange? Was it just an experiment on his part, to see if I might want to be added to his stable of women? I believe that it was more about his sexual curiosity and proclivity or boredom; the boredom or sameness that some men find with having sex with the same women over and over; who feel the need for someone or something new or different, either that or it was to exert his control and dominance.  Other family members will try and attach some kind of spiritual significance to his behavior; trying to elevate his behavior as having God-like qualities in their continued worship and reverence of the man; but I firmly believe that people should hear honest, firsthand accounts of the people who populated the Source Family, rather than the idealized and polished portrayal of Father Yod as being some kind of messianic figure. To this day, I look back with dismay and embarrassment about this exchange with Father Yod, certainly not with any kind adoring gratefulness that some feel I should have. I feel somewhat ashamed and embarrassed even writing about this; as my son may read it someday. But, I have only myself to blame; that I just went along and didn't object, or just say no.  But, much like The Borg in Star Trek, I had become assimilated and had already become brainwashed and indoctrinated into what I know to have been a cult, not some happily-ever-after 'family' experience, as some would want you to believe. So, for me what began as a fun and exciting adventure by joining in 1970, turned into a highly regrettable experience.  My story is a cautionary one; especially for any woman who decides to follow, worship or idealize anyone who presents themselves as being a spiritual leader or teacher.