A Liberation

I had all but forgotten about one of the most horribly stressful things that happened to me while being in The Source Family at The Father House---a house where the entire group was moved located in Nichols Canyon adjacent to Hollywood.  I had flown back to Los Angeles, after having given birth to my son in Honolulu at The Pagoda Hotel where my son's father and I had been staying, after we had both been kicked out of the family from the encampment at Makawao, Maui---the encampment where I had been sent along with the other pregnant women and women with children.  I do not recall the circumstances of why either Tim or I were told to leave, but I willingly chose to go with him to escape the awful and dire conditions at the camp.  Anyway, shortly after Tim and I arrived in Honolulu; I gave birth to our son in The Pagoda Hotel.  Tim went out playing bars and clubs in order to earn money, and we had hoped to have found our own place to live, by the time our child was born, but it didn't work out that way.  I ended up giving birth in a hotel room and my son's father delivered our son.  But, that is a whole other story.  Within weeks of delivering my son; I decided to return to the rest of the family in Los Angeles with my newborn son, leaving Tim to follow later. 

One day, at The Father House, my infant son began running a very high fever----he felt extremely hot and would not stop crying. I was frantic and unsure what to do, so I decided to wrap him in a cold sheet again and again, in the hopes of bringing his temperature down and although wrapping him in that cold sheet over and over again and watching him scream and cry was one of the most difficult things that I've ever had to do, in my life.  But, I was determined to do whatever was necessary to help my son.  If I had to walk down the driveway and flag a car down to ask someone to drive me to an emergency room----that was something that I was prepared to do.  But, thankfully my son's temperature dropped and he started doing better, but other infants didn't fare as well at The Father House. 

My feeling is that Jim Baker's belief in The Source Family not seeking or using medical help or treatment had the most detrimental effects on the entire group, especially on some  infants, who were born while their parents were in the cult. I still find it very difficult to understand how a man who was the spiritual leader of an entire group of people who some saw as being a highly evolved human being capable of immense love and compassion, and as being the wisest of men could be so accepting and nonchalant when babies were in distress under his watch. It is still difficult for me to comprehend even now forty years later how Jim Baker could sit relaxed, laughing, eating doing all of the normal everyday things that he did surrounded by his adoring women, while somewhere nearby an infant was crying continuously in dire distress. 

Not seeking medical attention is alarming in any large group of people living in extremely crowded conditions, although not unusual in other religious groups, sects or cults who shun using modern medicine opting for 'faith healing' or 'self-healing', along with being passively accepting if death was the outcome of not using medical intervention of any kind.  Father Yod repeatedly referred to death as 'liberation' and "leaving the body' as if it were to be welcomed and even embraced.  But for me, it is one thing if a fifty-year-old man makes the decision not to seek or use modern medicine or assistance of any kind, but it's an entirely different thing when those decisions are imposed on the helpless such as babies and small children.  Jim Baker's belief in the entire Source Family to not seek or use any outside medical help was the most disturbing and detrimental aspect of his entire belief system.  One which, of course cost him his own life in the end.

One of the few baby pictures that I have of my son.  I came away from The Source Family with only a couple of photos of my son from when he was a baby which is one of the disadvantages of being in a cult and not owning a camera.  Someone snapped this one when we were sitting out back at The Father House not long after I had returned with my infant son from Hawaii. 

This is the only time that Jim Baker ever really paid attention to my son or held him, but thankfully someone who was allowed to have a camera snapped this photo for me to have, otherwise I would have only one photo of my son as a baby.  Everyone who joined The Source Family was given a new name.  My son was initially given the name Brother, but then it was later changed to Heavy.

All Or Nothing

The only redeeming thing about my joining The Source Family, was that I met my future husband, lifelong best friend and father of my child, Tim Garon.  Tim was also the first singer/songwriter to join The Source Family.  It was Tim's music that entertained everyone in the very early days of The Source Family, before Yahowa 13 was formed and where all attention and publicity was then focused.  Tim only contributed two songs to any of the albums that were produced, although he received no album credits for either of those songs.  Tim wrote the song Every Morning which was performed by Robin Baker (Ahom), because it was one of her favorite songs, and because they would often sing together and so Robin was recorded singing Every Morning and it was included on the 1974 album titled All Or Nothing At All----an album that featured some of the individual songwriters, singers and musicians of The Source Family and a departure from the Yahowa 13 albums. 

Although, Tim was not given any songwriting credit on the All Or Nothing At All album for his song Every Morning, but then credit also wasn't given to a few other people who wrote songs or performed on that album.  That's because everyone was expected to 'not to be attached to the fruits of their labor' in The Source Family; which meant that recognition for your work or contribution went unnoticed and uncredited and which is why now 40+ years later; Tim and others have still not received the recognition that they sorely deserved back then and now. 

Tim also wraps up the album To The Principles: For The Children (Side B on a Yahowa 13 album) with his song Oh, Yahowha which features him playing guitar and singing with the children who were in the family at the time accompanying him, although again Tim received no credit on the album for that song.  So now, forty years later several of the singers, songwriters and musicians continue to remain in a faceless and nameless anonymity, because of their songs and musical contributions being licensed, marketed and sold as either Father Yod and The Spirit of '76 or just labeled Source Family music.

I also wanted to add that many of the nameless songwriters and musicians never saw a single dime for any of their songs or performances, from when they were in The Source Family.  Singer/Songwriters like Tim Garon and Les Adam, who contributed more to the entire volume of Source Family music than most with his exceptional songwriting playing both electric and acoustic guitar, electric keyboards and piano and vocals, and yet like Tim---Les Adam never received compensation from the sale of any of the albums that feature his songs or his performances!  There were three songs written and  performed by Les Adam that were used in the 2012 film about The Source Family:  Take A Ride (although songwriting credit was incorrectly given to someone else), Party Song and Woman were also used in the film---two songs written and performed by Les, although no credits whatsoever were given for either of those songs!  Les Adam has four of his songs on the album All Or Nothing At All:  Take A Ride, Party Song, Woman and a bonus track of his titled Hurry Home.  On the album titled Savage Sons of YaHoWa, two of Les's songs were used; Edge of A Dream and Red River Valley, also he is probably playing piano on A Thousand Sighs.  Les more than likely was also playing either guitar or piano on most, if not all of the tracks on both albums and yet received no album credits whatsoever!  It's hard to believe that could actually happen, but all of the singers and songwriters and musicians were expected to be unattached to their creations and so the individual contributions of musicians were omitted for two reasons:  1) because it was viewed as being in your 'personality' to want individual credit or acknowledgement for your musical contribution 2) because the music being made at the time was all about promoting 'Father Yod' and was to be seen as a commodity put out by the entire Source Family in an effort to generate income----just not for the recognition of anyone's individual talent.  Les Adam died a few months ago never seeing one cent from all of the musical contributions that he made, during the brief years he spent in The Source Family.  

Album cover for Savage Sons of Yahowa where Les Adam (known as Rhythm) is seen crouching on the left side of the Rolls (facing the photo) taken in front of what was called The Father House, because Father Yod left the room above The Source Restaurant where he had been living with his legal spouse, Robin Baker; deciding to move into an upstairs bedroom to accommodate the bevy of other women he was acquiring around him and to live with the rest of 'the family'.  This album includes songs written and performed by Les titled Edge of A Dream and Red River Valley, and more than likely guitar or piano performances on the other album tracks.

Album cover for To The Principles: For The Children made during the flurry of recording done circa 1973 when the entire group were living at The Father House located in Nichols Canyon in Los Angeles.  Tim performed the last song on the B side of this album singing his song titled Oh, Yahowha accompanied by some of the children pictured in this photo.  Jim Baker is seen exiting the front door of The Father House in the white suit purchased for the series of publicity photos taken to promote The Source Family and the albums being produced at the time all in an effort to attract new members by giving the appearance of a wealthy, affluent group.

Album cover photo taken in front of the garage or band room of The Father House, where Tim either did not want to be photographed or was not included, because his version of the song that he wrote titled Every Morning was not micced very well and so Robin Baker (Ahom) performed the track that was used on the album.

Above photo of the 45 single of Les Adam's (Rhythm's) song Woman that was a bonus track on All or Nothing At All.
  https://youtu.be/_DFTYlf-zZo?si=nLWT5GdXVnirS4fz

Here is the outtake of Tim performing his song Every Morning that was not used on the album, with Les Adam on piano.

Escaping Conformity

It's really funny that those of us who thought that we were escaping the conformity, suppression and repression of society at large by joining Jim Baker and The Source Family and believing that what he was teaching and offering/espousing was representative of the New Age, ended up in circumstances even more conforming and suppressive than the society we were all trying to drop out from!  Imagine living for six years never doing any of the normal everyday things that people take for granted in our society like shopping or eating at restaurants, spending the day at the beach, going to a movie, or playing sports. The only time that we were allowed to go the beach was when our spiritual leader, Jim Baker wanted to go and then the entire group went en masse and would be quite a spectacle. 

But, nobody played basketball, baseball or racquetball or any kind of sport. Imagine living a life where the only acceptable exercise was hanging upside down and swinging back and forth on a bar, or going into the cold water of a swimming pool at the break of day, because those were the only really acceptable forms of exercise allowed within The Source Family.  Restriction of people's individual choices and personal activities are the result of living in a cult, especially one where the entire group of people attempt to live removed or sequestered from the rest of society, which is exactly what life was like in The Source Family.  

Each Source Family member's actions and behaviors became restricted and limited, with the exception of those who either conducted family business in the outside world, or who were indulged by Father Yod like when he allowed a select few of his favorites to eat at expensive restaurants in Beverly Hills arriving in the short-lived Rolls Royce to give the perception of wealth.  But, only a few people within The Source Family were allowed unfettered access to money or a vehicle---the rest of us plebeians were stuck within the confines of the family compound, unless Father Yod planned something where all family members were allowed to attend.  Jim Baker may have espoused a vegetarian diet which also consisted of milk and cheese, but he didn't encourage or do any of the other healthy exercises and activities found in society at large.  So, a kind of entropy began to engulf anyone who remained in the family for any length of time.  An indolence prevailed within the family. I guess all of the conformity and loss of personal activity was to be supplanted and replaced with Jim Baker's ideal of life within his Aquarian family.  Any activity that wasn't condoned by Jim Baker was just not done. So, imagine living virtually imprisoned within a group that had the trappings and outward appearance of a New Age/Aquarian group, but end up having it be even more repressive than the society you were trying to escape from!  

I would like for anyone to explain to me how sitting around one man all day long translated into becoming a leader or forerunner for the Age of Aquarius? How does hanging on every word of one man, and catering to that one man's every need, and striving to emulate him in speech, behavior and dress have anything to do with the New Age? It doesn't, but it does have everything to do with cult behavior. So, I really want to emphasize that the healthy lifestyle which some try to present as being representative of The Source Family was all strictly according to what was approved or sanctioned by Jim Baker. No family member would have been allowed to run or jog down the street especially the women when it wasn't even acceptable for them to wear pants or shorts.  All of the women were expected to wear dresses all of the time!  Oh, Jim Baker thought the pregnant women should walk up and down the driveway to help strengthen their leg muscles for natural childbirth, but that was the extent of the walking encouraged. But, you would have never seen anyone from The Source Family running or jogging, or going to play tennis, or really going anywhere, unless it was sanctioned and approved by Jim Baker. 

Life in The Source Family became cloistered and claustrophobic and almost suffocating where everyone's actions were overseen and extremely limited, and restricted for lack of either money or transportation and so only those very few with access to money and a vehicle could venture beyond the confines of the group. I cannot tell you the relief----the tremendous sense of freedom that it brought when what had become an unbearable and unsustainable situation finally ended!  How wonderful it was to return to a normal everyday life away from the constricted and restricted life of want and deprivations that life in The Source Family had become. 

After forty years, I feel that it is high time that I wrote about my experiences from being in this particular cult.  Because the abject conformity that was expected of anyone joining The Source Family and the groupthink that flourished in order to achieve compliance among members in what was seen as acceptable and expected behavior was much more confining and limiting than the conformity to society that many of us from the counterculture of the sixties were trying to escape, because there was no true freedom or personal liberties living in The Source Family cult.

My Sexual Encounter With Father Yod

I wanted to begin my blog by writing about what was probably the most disillusioning experience that I had with Father Yod while in The Source Family.....one that I have been, frankly too embarrassed to ever talk about, but which I feel needs to be told and would be helpful for others to read especially for other women who were in The Source Family, who also feel they were sexually taken advantage of by a man who was seen as a 'spiritual father or teacher', and how the experiences and stories from the women who were in The Source Family should now be told for others to learn especially women who might be starry-eyed and enthralled with the story of Father Yod and The Source Family.  It was 1974 and I had just returned from Oahu to join the rest of the family in Los Angeles, after living on the land in Makawao, Maui having been part of the first wave of mothers with children and pregnant women who were sent there abruptly, after an infant in the group was taken to a local LA emergency room with a serious staph infection, and with the impending threat of social services descending on the house or compound where we all had been living. The family members who had remained behind in Los Angeles were Jim Baker aka Father Yod and his entourage of women, along with the band members and those who ran The Source Restaurant.  I was feeling extremely vulnerable, after having just given birth to my son. Upon returning, I felt my position within the family tenuous, as I had now become a nursing mother and could no longer work in the restaurant.  But, at the time; I felt the need to return to the rest of the family in Los Angeles to what I thought would be the comfort and safety of the larger group. One day, Father Yod's main woman, Makushla came to me and to my horror told me that Father Yod had summoned me---that he wanted to see me. My instincts told me why and what was coming next.  I knew that my being summoned to his room meant that he wanted to have sex with me, much to my dismay and consternation. But, I was being summoned by the leader of our cult, Father Yod and I had to go or risk censure or being ostracized for not behaving or performing as was expected of me.  I was absolutely dreading something that others saw as some kind of sacred honor!  The next hour or so alone with Father Yod in his upstairs room at what was called The Father House was one of the strangest, yet eye-opening episodes of my entire six year stint of being in The Source Family. At the time, Father Yod had already replaced his legal wife, Robin Baker aka Ahom with Makushla, to be his primary woman, although Robin remained by his side plus he already had his bevy of other women with him many younger, and much more beautiful than me.  Then, why, I ask did Father Yod feel the need to have sex with me??!! Why??? When he had so many beautiful and willing women surrounding him already, why did Father Yod feel that he needed to have sex with me---with one more woman.  Why indeed. Thankfully, the event never repeated itself, as I was never physically attracted to Father Yod and never had designs on becoming one of his women.  I had always just seen him as my 'spiritual father', not someone whom I wanted to engage in sex. So, although the sexual exchange with Father Yod somehow made me feel that my position within the family had been secured; it also left me feeling confused and deflated about everything.  What could have possibly been Father Yod's motive or the point of our exchange? Was it just an experiment on his part, to see if I might want to be added to his stable of women? I believe that it was more about his sexual curiosity and proclivity or boredom---the boredom or sameness that some men find with having sex with the same women over and over who feel the need for someone or something new or different, either that or it was to exert his control and dominance.  Other family members will try and attach some kind of spiritual significance to his behavior trying to elevate his behavior as having God-like qualities in their continued worship and reverence of the man, but I firmly believe that people should hear honest, firsthand accounts of the people who populated the Source Family rather than the idealized and polished portrayal of Father Yod as being some kind of messianic figure. To this day, I look back with dismay and embarrassment about this exchange with Father Yod, certainly not with any kind adoring gratefulness that some feel I should have. I feel somewhat ashamed and embarrassed even writing about this, as my son may read it someday. But, I have only myself to blame that I just went along and didn't object, or just say no.  But, much like The Borg in Star Trek; I had become assimilated and had already become brainwashed and indoctrinated into what I know to have been a cult not some happily-ever-after 'family' experience, as some would want you to believe. So, for me what began as a fun and exciting adventure by joining in 1970, turned into a highly regrettable experience.  My story is a cautionary one----especially for any woman who decides to follow, worship or idealize anyone who presents themselves as being a spiritual leader or teacher.