Spiritual Arrogance

One of the results of sitting in front of Jim Baker day in and day out in a meditative state listening to him drone on and on in a subliminal, trance-like and hypnotic way convincing his group of followers they were all part of a 'guardian wall' that protected humanity and how they were the forerunners of the 'aquarian age', and how they outshone the rest of humanity was that he began nurturing a false spiritual pride and ego in his devoted followers where chests began to puff up and arrogant, imperious attitudes and a self-satisfied, hubris became the by-product of what Jim Baker was saying; a spiritual smugness which still exists today in some of his more feverish followers.  The spiritual ego or pride that Jim Baker fostered in those who sat in front of him became the signature behavior and attitude of many in The Source Family.

The entire new age movement and trendy 'spiritual' awakening in this country is fraught with people who suffer from a false, magnified sense of their own 'spiritual' accomplishment or knowledge some claiming to have a direct connection or channel to God, or other disembodied 'ascended' masters.  Jim Baker saw himself as a 'holy' man; a spiritually awakened man who had received a divine transmission or message that he needed to gather together and foster/father the lost and seeking young souls who were wandering around looking for a spiritual mooring in which to anchor themselves, and in doing so he was able to convince his followers that they had been divinely chosen by God to lead the rest of humanity.  But, from that grew an arrogant and spiritually superior attitude that is symptomatic of many who pursue a spiritual path to enlightenment.  The attitude fostered by Jim Baker among his followers was that they were better than the rest of humanity, and that they were the 'chosen ones' meant to lead mankind.  Many of Jim Baker's followers believed that he was a direct 'channel' to God.  Spiritual ego or pride is something that is rampant among the multitude of new age/self-help and enlightened milieu of the 'new age' movement that began in the late sixties/early seventies.

Nowadays self-proclaimed 'enlightened' or 'illuminated' individuals abound everywhere either on youtube or churning out videos and books holding retreats and symposiums on how to attain or achieve 'self mastery' or 'God-consciousness' claiming to be in possession of specific knowledge or wisdom that only they alone seem to possess.  It often becomes confusing trying to find just the right avatar or 'spiritual' leader/teacher or expert to follow.  In 1969/70 the pool of spiritual teachers especially Western gurus was limited and so Jim Baker stood out with his long hair and beard bearing a striking resemblance to a modern-day Moses and was able to form his own 'spiritual' group or quasi 'family' with the proceeds from his successful first-of-its-kind all vegetarian restaurant situated propitiously right on Sunset Boulevard frequented by every Hollywood star or rock musician who were either staying up the street at the Chateau Marmont or who happened to be driving by on their way to the Whiskey A Go Go.

The Brotherhood of The Source began to form around Jim Baker, who began attracting and taking in/harboring some of the young, lost souls who had been floundering around the streets of Los Angeles or who had travelled cross-country in search of the promise of illumination in finding and following an Eastern guru or mystical 'teacher' who had found a home among the freewheeling counterculture abundantly found in California---people looking for groovy and fantastical experiences that psychedelics such as LSD and mescaline had given some a glimpse into something otherworldly and cosmic in origin, and so delving into meditation, yoga and the occult, along with theosophy and metaphysics became the new alternative culture.  Joining Jim Baker to help him run his restaurant, while becoming one of his disciples in his newly formed 'religion of the eternal now' was a perfect storm, where all of the external forces came together at the same time and produced something that would end up wrecking more havoc and destruction in people's lives, than it having any true, lasting positive effect.  Many people from the sixties/early seventies got into Eastern 'spiritual' pursuits and the occult believing that once they were 'illuminated' that they were then qualified to lead others as their 'spiritual' guide or master, often with disastrous results.  People little qualified with nothing more than their own claim of 'illumination' and/or a direct connection with either God or some other ascended deity began to gather followers.  Many who had deep, emotional problems and issues which they had never dealt with or addressed were now leading people in finding spiritual fulfillment!  Which is exactly what Jim Baker did, who went from being a Hollywood 'player' would-be bank robber to someone who after spending a few months with Yogi Bhajan started to believe that he, Jim Baker had become a 'holy' man destined to lead a group of his own 'spiritual children'.  It's my view that Jim Baker was psychologically and emotionally ill-equipped to 'teach' or lead an entire group of people mainly because he let his male organ make his decisions for him, and was a man who believed that his semen was superior and that he was destined to create a super race.

Men and women with profound psychological problems even sociopaths have claimed to be 'spiritually enlightened' or having attained cosmic-consciousness.  People who gather their own followers for their own egotistical desires and need for attention often become 'spiritual leaders'; something that was indicative of many of the so-called 'spiritual' leaders of groups and cults that began to pop up, during the late sixties/early seventies. Simulated messianic figures proclaiming they had the ability to transfer divine knowledge and wisdom; people claiming to being reincarnated from thousands of years ago and to being 'channels' of ancient and secret 'keys' for unlocking the secret mysteries of life began to appear everywhere, due to the 'new age' movement.  Many people were searching for a quick, cosmic fix---someone or something that would transform them into superconscious and awakened beings and finding someone who offered that up became too good to pass up.  That was what Jim Baker was offering, but what happened after he died and The Source Family ended; was that quite a few former members ended up living dissolute and drug-induced/alcoholic lifestyles, a residual effect for many who joined Jim Baker's 'aquarian' tribe.  Because nothing that Father Yod/Yahowha was espousing actually dealt with or addressed anyone's underlying emotional problems.  None of the magical thinking or ritualistic practices that were indicative of life in The Source Family addressed anyone's individual psychological and emotional problems, but only succeeded in creating a temporary and illusionary living situation where Jim Baker, the ersatz father decided what everyone should wear, and what everyone would eat, and how everyone should conduct themselves sexually; especially in having the men and women in his 'family' practice the sex magic that he began to covet that would become the pinnacle of his so-called 'teachings'.

So, when Father Yod/Yahowha died and The Source Family ended; the maladapted relationships of men having multiple wives or women and virtually all of the delusional magical beliefs found in 'the family' left many floundering trying to figure out how to adjust back into normal, mainstream society most importantly reconnecting with their own estranged family members.  I believe there is a downside in pursuing enlightenment or cosmic-consciousness without also dealing with your own underlying emotional problems and issues---something that I have observed can produce sociopaths who feign a state of being enlightened and possessing infinite wisdom, while hiding or masking who they really are.  When a pathological liar or a womanizer adopts and feigns the mantle of 'spiritual' attainment and profess themselves as being enlightened; it is an easy way for them to hide or cover-up aspects of themselves.  People operating under a false sense of their own enlightenment and of their own spiritual superiority to others excuse themselves from the moral conduct that applies to the rest of society, to the extent that their own bad behaviors are perfectly acceptable to them, and to their devoted flock of followers.  It's very prevalent to find haughty, arrogant and intransigent egos among the many spiritually 'realized' beings around today, who have managed to gather their own following.  The cases of spurious spiritual leaders taking sexual advantage of the women among their followers has become textbook behavior; sexual misconduct of men who proclaim themselves to be either Jesus Christ reincarnated, or God.  I've included an article written by Mariana Caplan titled 10 Spiritually Transmitted Diseases where I found that although all applied to Jim Baker and The Source Family numbers 8 and 9 were dead-on.

But, it's approaching fifty years, since Father Yod/Yahowha ruled over his quasi family, and people have now become more self-aware and know more about the pitfalls of choosing and following a guru or spiritual master, but rather than trying to elevate/idealize and idolize someone and something that was flawed from the very beginning and that got progressively worse over time, due to the spiritual arrogance and deluded, magical thinking that was fed and nurtured; it's time to expose what went on in The Source Family with frank and honest dialogue.  http://www.huffingtonpost.com/mariana-caplan-phd/spiritual-living-10-spiri_b_609248.html

Mothers and 'Suns'

Probably the most absurd and contrived pseudo-relationship that Jim Baker devised within The Source Family was that of the Mother/Sun.  Jim Baker referred to any man who joined The Brotherhood of The Source as being his 'son', but he also likened a man to the sun shining life-giving rays on to woman, whom he equated with the moon having no light of her own only capable of reflecting her man or sun's light and so he referred to the men as both his sons and suns.  So, I decided to use suns in the title, since the mother/sun relationship contrived by Father Yod within The Source Family was hardly a maternal one.  Because I'm not talking about the relationship between a woman and her biological child or son; but a spurious one concocted by Father Yod between the women in the family whom he gave the title of mother; comprised of the women he was having sex with on an ongoing basis whom he also began to refer to as his 'wives', and the men in his family deemed as his suns.  

When Jim Baker decided to adopt and introduce the ceremonial 'sex magick' that he had gleaned from reading Aleister Crowley; he also decided to designate his 'wives'/any of the women whom he started to have sex with from the pool of women within 'the family' as mothers, whose primary purpose was to perform the ceremonial 'sex magick' called kadosh with any one of the men, or suns.  Yes, that was exactly what life was like, being in The Source Family.  Every single woman could have her relationship usurped and undermined at any moment by Father Yod assigning one of his women deemed a mother to engage in ceremonial 'sex magick' with another woman's partner, husband or father of her child.  Absolutely no relationship was respected, but rather continuously transgressed by the often unsettling directives laid down by our self-appointed 'earthly spiritual father', Father Yod because he believed that the role of women a subservient one, as quoted from several passages in his book Liberation,"the Woman's whole life revolves around, and is dependent upon, her Man", and "He(man) is Her security....Her Life....Her reason for BEING", and "the woman's way to Liberation is to serve and inspire Her Man", and "The perfect Woman is both Wife and Mother, to Her Man."  The same kinds of postulations made about women found in other male-dominated faith-based belief systems throughout history; belief systems that believe women are subordinate to men.  

Oh, Jim Baker loved to give the appearance of treating women as though they were 'the mothers of all living' espousing how all women should be respected and not lusted after; yet his own behavior and actions appeared to always contradict his own words, and always seemed more self-serving designed to accommodate his own lustful desires masked by the pretense of attaining a higher spiritual consciousness.  But Father Yod made a distinction between the women labeled as mothers, and those labeled as angels, because the title of mother per Father Yod which had nothing to do with the mothers of babies and small children implied that the women he was having sex with had a higher status than the rest of the women in The Source Family, as though they had received some sort of imaginary transmission (or rather emission) from their seemingly divinely ordained godman Father Yod/Yahowha.  I felt the role of mother as assigned by Father Yod completely undermined the women who were either married or who had formed close, intimate relationships or partnerships with men in 'the family', because those given the title of mother were to be treated and viewed as being special or above everyone else; a belief based on the deluded and erroneous magical thinking that was the mainstay of The Source Family.  

Because every aspect of life in Jim Baker's Source Family was originated and fueled by magical thinking along with talismanic ritual belief and repetition.  None of the women who were having sex with Jim Baker were any higher or more evolved or enlightened than those women who did not have sex with the man.  The entire thing was complete and utter poppycock devised and implemented by Father Yod in his ever-increasing desire to control the man/woman relationships within his so-called 'family' by manipulating the sexual behavior of absolutely everyone!  Many of the women who comprised The Source Family lost respect for the men whom they were involved with, due to Father Yod's contrived mother/sun maladaptation.  If a woman was labelled as being an angel within The Source Family, she was seen as having a lesser social position; which is also why some women clamored around 'Yahowha' for the distinction of being called one of 'his women' and given the title of mother.  An angel was not seen as equal in status to that of their counterpart the mother.  I saw the mother and angel distinctions devised by Father Yod create discord, confusion and feelings of disempowerment among the women in 'the family' whose husbands and partners could be randomly 'scooped up' (a cutesy 'source family' term meaning a woman initiating sex with a sun) by a mother assigned by Father Yod.  Women were expected to acquiesce and standby/allow the men in their lives to be regularly 'scooped up' by their designated mother to engage in ceremonial 'sex magick'.  Yet, Father Yod absolved his own angel, Makushla from having to serve any of the other men/suns or perform 'sex magic' with any of them; so she was given a special dispensation and given a new title of mother/angel and appointed and anointed as being his very own special mother/angel.

Although, Father Yod only allowed Makushla to be called his mother/angel elevating her status within the entire group above all the rest, to such an extent that she was seen as being his spiritual equivalent to be showered and treated with the same reverence and respect, as shown to him.  I believe that the ritualistic 'sex magic' that Jim Baker expected the women to perform with the suns in The Source Family transgressed the personal boundaries of all the women who comprised 'the family' putting us all in stressful, uncertain, compromising and sexually unprotected situations.  Because Father Yod used his power and control as the 'spiritual' leader and ersatz father of the entire group to mandate that both men and women obey and comply with his 'teachings' that he believed would lead to a higher 'spiritual' consciousness.  But, the only woman whose status was elevated within The Source Family was that of Father Yod's own mother/angel; whereas the rest of the women were expected to perform something that his own mother/angel was exempt from having to perform.  It's no wonder that the one woman designated as being 'Yahowha's mother/angel' was left with pleasant memories of being in The Source Family, because she was the only one who had a get-out-of-jail-free card.  Only Father Yod's mother/angel was exempt from having to perform ceremonial 'sex magic' with any number of men within The Source Family; nor did she have to take care of the children during 'children's duty', or do laundry, cleaning or any of the other menial chores performed by the other women within The Source Family, but instead was treated like a queen being pampered and waited on and afforded the luxury of accompanying Father Yod to Europe and India.  

Yet, there are some who proclaim that life in The Source Family was 'ahead of its time' and that it was representative of a new 'aquarian age'.  The faux mother/sun relationships devised by Father Yod gave a few women status and perceived power over other women and undermined the man/woman relationships that had already been established within The Source Family.  The public can now get a better understanding of why so many men and women who were in The Source Family are embarrassed by having been part of such a group and want nothing to do with any of it feeling only degrees of regret and embarrassment for having followed Jim Baker to the extent they did and for having willingly participated in what most consider to have been deviant, sexual practices.  Because the reality was that the only relationship that Father Yod treated as sacrosanct within The Source Family was that of his own with Makushla, but where none of the rules or expected behaviors for the rest of the family members applied to her, because he elevated her above all others.  

For me, Jim Baker's behavior resembled more that of Henry VIII minus the beheadings than that of a man claiming to be the "earthly spiritual father' of a new age.  Because, removing and replacing one woman for another whom he had become sexually enamored showing favoritism and allowing special treatment and luxuries for some, but not others certainly applied to life in Henry VIII's court, as well as in Jim Baker's court or rather cult.

Moral Authority and Wasted Years

One of the fundamental questions that people ask, after watching the 2012 film about The Source Family is, "why would anyone join a cult?"  Most people cannot understand how or why anyone would follow someone like Jim Baker and obey his directives; it is just unfathomable to most people.  I believe that the larger or grosser problem of cults like The Source Family is the fact that people hand over or surrender their ability for making their own personal decisions and choices; handing over all moral responsibility to one central figure to make their decisions and choices for them, even in life and death situations.  Once you surrender your personal power to another individual, then your choices are no longer your own.  One definition of moral authority is the following: 'the capacity to convince others how the world should be' which absolutely sums up what Father Yod was able to achieve within his 'family', because most of the people who devotedly followed the man believed him to have a supreme moral authority equal to that of God. 

The problem with so many spiritual and quasi-religious leaders and gurus is they begin to believe they are the voice and embodiment of a supreme and almighty presence on earth and are destined or preordained to lead people.  Which is exactly what happened with Jim Baker when people began to follow him, and because of his followers believing him to be 'the voice of God'; they willingly surrendered their will and began to adopt and adhere to Jim Baker's first two commandments of his 'Ten Commandments for the Age of Aquarius' which were:  1) obey and live by the teachings of your earthly spiritual father 2) love your earthly spiritual father more than yourself.

For many in The Source Family, Jim Baker surpassed all other gurus, spiritual leaders or teachers around at that time, but he was also offering a free place to land where the only requirement really needed to join were working in the restaurant and attending 'class' every morning where Jim Baker began cultivating his following and attracting his own 'spiritual children' by offering a seemingly idyllic alternative lifestyle where the 'pursuit of spirit' was to have been the primary objective, but where he also nurtured a 'spiritual' elitism among his followers by convincing them they were chosen by God to lead humanity into the approaching Age of Aquarius. 

Because Jim Baker owned a restaurant and could provide a livelihood for everyone who showed up to join his cult, it offered a a sanctuary from the streets of Los Angeles for anyone who even feigned an interest in what Jim Baker was saying.  In the late sixties/early seventies many people like me were wandering and moving around the country searching for communes and groups of likeminded people who had also experienced the transformative results brought on by the hallucinatory and mystical effects of LSD, psilocybin and other mind-altering drugs that many people during the sixties and seventies had experimented with and even used on a regular basis which induced feelings of peace and love towards their fellowman.  So, many people were seeking alternative ways to live their lives that were counter to the prevailing culture.  

A result of the drug-induced mind-expansion of the sixties and early seventies was that people began to search for answers to their existential questions about the meaning and purpose of life and many people were in a quandary about what to do with their life, after having 'dropped out' from mainstream society opting for alternative lifestyles where 'returning to the garden' became more appealing than the materialism and consumerism found in our Western culture, which is also what lead many people to adopt Eastern philosophies and mysticism casting about for a teacher, master or guru to follow who might provide them with answers to the mysteries of life or lead them to nirvana.  

Finding The Source Restaurant was like finding an oasis where free food and a place to stay were being offered by a fatherly-looking man who was also offering a fast track to enlightenment, and finding such a place populated by your own peers most who were wearing their hair long just like you---at first seemed like an idyllic situation.  It was a situation that made it that much easier for Jim Baker to gather his own group of followers and devotees to operate his restaurant and generate much needed income.  Thus, by providing a livelihood for people it also facilitated Jim Baker in acquiring his own 'spiritual' followers; people who were impressed with his physical appearance and the 'teachings' that he was espousing to whomever would listen.  People became enthralled by the outward appearance of a man who looked like Moses and the all-white clad disciples that were beginning to surround him:  people whom he proclaimed were the 'forerunners of a new age'; a heady and appealing 'new' prospect for many of the disaffected that showed up. 

In retrospect, it was a smart move on Jim Baker's part, because he gained people to run his restaurant without having to pay them a wage, and he gained the 'spiritual' children or followers that he sought.  So, more people showed up at The Source Restaurant and joined 'the brotherhood' drawn to either the food and a free place to stay, or the promise of having 'secret esoteric teachings' revealed to them, along with the outward appeal of a group of longhaired people all dressed in white sitting around a man who proclaimed he had reincarnated from Atlantis and many who simply followed their spouses and siblings in joining. 

Jim Baker looked the part of a father; an older, bearded man with a big grin giving bear hugs telling everyone who showed up, "welcome home" making them feel they belonged and were one of his 'spiritual' children, but where soon some of his female 'spiritual children' became sexually attractive to him.  There are many former family members who feel they lost or wasted years of their life, by stopping and dropping everything they had going on in their lives to join and follow Jim Baker.  Coming out at the end of all of it; many people felt they had lost chunks of their lives by remaining in The Source Family for years.  Because after The Source Family ended people had a difficult time trying to adjust back into normal society and put their lives and careers back together; lives and careers that had been put on hold and suspended which is one of the predominate regrets that I've heard from several former longtime Source Family members of just how much they regret the years of their life spent in 'the family'.  Although the 2012 film has tried to present success stories at the end of the film which are hardly accurate and not representative of the larger majority of former members.  Anyone who joined The Source Family essentially put their lives on hold some selling all of their material possessions or surrendering them upon joining 'the family' where they attempted to adopt and live by the 'teachings' of Father Yod allowing him to rename them while giving up their identities and individuality to adhere to and abide by the groupthink of 'the family.' 

It was virtually impossible to pursue your own career or your own life, while being in a cult such as The Source Family where individual accomplishment and personal achievement were nonexistent, unless it was acceptable and allowed within the confines of the group.  Nobody took outside jobs or pursued outside careers while being in The Source Family, because everything and everyone revolved around the decisions and choices that Father Yod made for the entire group, which is why it felt so very liberating when 'the family' finally ended and being liberated from the restrictive and isolating dictates of one man and his 'council of women' where group compliance became an imperative.  It felt exhilarating to make your own personal choices once again.  A childlike dependence had ensued where everyone would go to Father Yod for every little thing looking to him and asking his consul and advice about virtually everything; something that Jim Baker was keen on doing and if you wanted to be in 'the brotherhood' you had to obey whatever dictate was handed down by the man we all called 'father'.  There was no topic or subject that Father Yod would not broach, even instructing family members how to use/fold toilet paper and wipe their bottoms! 

But, as more and more people began to join 'the brotherhood' it became necessary to have everyone look and behave in an homogeneous way where everyone began to dress alike, and everyone were allotted the most basic of accoutrements like a sleeping pad or mattress, a copy of Jim Baker's book Liberation; and the standard issue robe for the men, which was basically just a dress:  a front and back sewed together at the sides, along with a 'meditation' shawl and for a time a coveted sheepskin to sit on during morning meditation.  Those were the standard issue accoutrements given or allotted to anyone joining 'the brotherhood' in the early days when there was still plenty to go around.  But as more and more people began to join 'the family' there were fewer and fewer resources and less accoutrements to go around and so unless someone still maintained connections outside of 'the family' and had access to money they simply got by or went without while in 'the family'.  But, nobody went to the dentist or the eye doctor to get glasses; absolutely none of the everyday things that people do in normal society were done in The Source Family.  Women did not have ultrasounds, or access to a gynecologist all of that was just not done, while in The Source Family.  

Jim Baker wanted to be recognized as a great spiritual leader/teacher and an authority on health and nutrition and he wielded an unquestioning moral authority over his followers, and he relied on the most devoted around him to uphold and enforce his edicts and carry out his directives; something that every cult leader has found to be necessary.  In every cult throughout history, the cult leader depended on their most loyal devotees to carry out their directives in order to hold sway over their followers.

The Inure Circle

I had a conversation with someone recently who used the term 'inner circle' to make a distinction between me, whom she said was part of the 'outer circle' of The Source Family and those whom she had been lead to believe belonged to the 'inner circle'.  Ha ha ha.  Wow, I thought that person had really drunk the Kool-Aid and been influenced by the one person who perpetuates that kind of belief, in order to convince people of her own 'specialness' and perceived status of having been part of some imaginary 'inner circle'.

There was no 'inner circle' within The Source Family; only the imagination and obsessive need for one woman to convince people of her being above and more important than the rest of the riffraff in the family.  What a load of hogwash!  The term 'inner circle' is something that has been adopted and used by one person who has desperately wanted to differentiate herself from the other former 'family' members and saying that she belonged to the 'inner circle' helps her to achieve that.  It also adds to the mystic of it being a mystery school where 'secret teachings' were being passed on to only the most deserving of initiates.  But, the truth is; there was no 'inner circle' within The Source Family with the exception of a few women who were privy to seeing Jim Baker's junk more often than others, and having to watch him have sex with other women while being in the same room waiting their turn.  Yeah, no thanks.  I did not want to be part of THAT 'inner circle'.  If anything, I would have called it an 'inured circle' of women who had to accept and habituate themselves to having to sit in the same room enduring Father Yod having sex with multiple women often with more than one at the same time!

There was certainly no 'inner circle' as if to convey a small cadre of people possessing esoteric secrets that the lesser 'family' members were not privy.  How can you have an 'inner circle' when absolutely everyone knew what everyone else was doing?!  All crammed together like sardines stacked on top of one another where everyone knew everyone's business.  Although, claiming to have been part of an 'inner circle' does convey a sense of 'specialness' and being 'chosen'.

But, if I had to be part of a 'circle' within The Source Family, then the 'outer' one suited me just fine, because I wanted nothing to do with all of the machinations of some of Father Yod's 'women'.  Yet, even the notion of there being an 'inner circle' within The Source Family would confirm the fact that a class system or clique of division grew from Father Yod claiming 'his women', along with a few of the men or sons whom he had nurtured, groomed and conveyed his largesse more than any of the others.

The entire dynamic of 'the family' where some acquired and had more than others was a complete contradiction to the 'aquarian' values that everyone belonged to 'one tribe' and where everything was shared equally.  But, some egos thrive in having a sense of their own importance; especially if they can convince other people of their heightened importance.  Father Yod did incessantly stroke people's egos by telling them how 'special' and 'chosen' and 'apart from the rest of humanity' they were, which helped to shore up their devotion and commitment to him, because feeling special, chosen and apart from the rest of humanity was a consistent theme of Father Yod's big talk.

Many people wanted to sit in Father Yod's presence all day long and be seen as invaluable to him at carrying out all of his orders or directives; some with an almost cruel precision.  One former member told me about the time that he was supposed to do 'guard duty' at the compound on Kauai, but did not show up because he was sick, and when one of the 'inure circle' women confronted him she said to him, "you make me sick, you don't deserve to live" brutally chastising him for being unable to show up for guard duty.  That was the gung-ho extremism and severity in carrying out Yahowha's edicts that some people in The Source Family willingly embraced.  Because, anyone who didn't perform a task or duty given to them by Father Yod was seen as being weak and lacking the spiritual strength or resolve that some felt they possessed more than others.  Spiritual elitism riding roughshod over those perceived to be lesser or weaker was rampant in 'the family.'  There were a few bullies in The Source Family who would intimidate people and even force them to leave the group.  That was the climate that existed in The Source Family and that produced a few who came out of the experience with the belief that they still belong to some imaginary 'inner circle' which has entitled them with a special position and special powers.

Being Overweight Or Gay

Jim Baker was obsessed with all of the women in his 'family' being thin, as he was with the men and women in his group having specific gender roles that definitely did not include gay people.  I have a cassette tape recording where he is addressing one of 'his' women who happened to be a couple of dress sizes larger than most of his other women where he says', "I forgive her for being a little overweight."  Excuse me? He forgave her for being a little overweight?!!  But, that was the message that Jim Baker sent to every woman in 'the family'; that we should all strive to be skinny.

I was a little overweight when I joined 'the family' more chubby than anything, and so Jim Baker repeatedly tried to put me on a diet that consisted of only vegetable juices and cottage cheese.  A vegetable juice and cottage cheese diet was something that he would put many of the women on whom he felt were overweight in his 'ideal aquarian family', because interfering in every aspect of his 'family' member's lives is something that Father Yod did consistently; especially when it came to the appearance of the women.

Father Yod wanted everyone in The Source Family to be representative of health and vigor, which meant all of the women should be svelte, and although he constantly extolled the benefits of exercise and diet; I never actually saw him exercising, with the exception of swinging on the gravity bars once in awhile, but he always seemed rather out of shape to me with his big stomach and flaccid arms.  He certainly didn't look as muscular and virile as seen in photos from when he was younger, but he was middle-aged when he started The Brotherhood of The Source with his wife, Robin Baker.  I also never recall Father Yod putting any of the men on any diets to lose weight.  But, it wasn't like I was obese or that my health was at risk; so I rebelled and refused to remain on any of the diets that Jim Baker tried to put me on, and didn't drop my few extra pounds until a year or two after 'the family' ended, and then I did it for myself and not for anyone else least of all a spiritual blowhard who tried to impose his idealized female body type on to all of the women in The Source Family!  I resented a fifty-year old man whom himself seemed rather out of shape, telling me that I needed to diet.  Anyone can judge just how overweight I was from the early 'family' photos that I have posted on this blog.

But, Father Yod was continually imposing dietary restrictions on the entire group, as well as his own sexist generational views of what a woman should wear and look like and what her 'duties' to a man should be.  Yeah, welcome to the 'Aquarian Age'!  Gloria Steinem would have been aghast at the outdated and regressive male views that Jim Baker held about what the role of women in The Source Family should be!  Because Jim Baker believed that all of the problems in the world between women and men had to do with them not fulfilling their 'duties' to one another; duties which to me seemed more like a throwback to another era and subjugated women more than anything else when women didn't really have any rights; especially over their bodies and were expected to behave more like servants and handmaidens waiting on and attending to a man's every need doing his bidding while relegated to a protected and sequestered existence which consisted of bearing and raising children and doing all of the menial household chores.

So, being gay certainly did not fit into the specific gender roles which Jim Baker believed men and women should perform.  Welcome to The Source Family....no fat chicks or gay people wanted!  It's no wonder that so many people even mildly interested didn't stick around, because of the many stringent requirements for becoming a forerunner of  'the aquarian age'!  You shouldn't be either gay or fat.  I remember one morning in San Francisco when a couple of gay men showed up for morning 'class' and Father Yod reigned down like a fire-and-brimstone preacher in his very loud and bombastic way about what an abomination it was for men to sleep with other men.  Needless to say, they never returned.  So, for anyone who wants to believe that Father Yod and The Source Family were cultural icons and forerunners of anything; especially of an enlightened 'new age', they have been mislead and bamboozled---taken in by all of the hype surrounding the film, along with the overembellished narrative given in the plethora of interviews done by just one person; someone who themselves can barely remember much of anything, yet presents themselves as being the authority on Jim Baker and spokesperson for every former 'source family' member.

I realize that this blog is going to disillusion many people who would rather believe all of the hyperbole, because it can be very deflating and disappointing to learn about the darker, more disturbing aspects of someone or something; especially if it conflicts with their idealized notions about The Source Family.  I realize there will be some people who would rather cling to the fairy tale gloss over image of The Source Family and Father Yod; people who would rather not have their illusions about all of it destroyed.  But, people should know that up until now, they've only been fed an exaggerated and idealized version of what life was really like in The Source Family, a version that has left out anything that the public might find unpalatable or disgusting, because gaining fans and followers and selling source-branded products/merchandise is the most important thing for some people; who believe they are spreading 'the teachings of Yahowha' to the rest of the world.

But, rather than being forthright and honest and telling the truth----shining a light on everything that was inherently wrong, unjust and harmful about being in The Source Family; only the seemingly ideal and attractive aspects of the entire story were used in one person's book or rendition of life in The Source Family, which the documentary was based on, but which is a story that has been sanitized and whitewashed leaving out anything the public might find disgusting or revolting, and where the same two people who compiled their book believe they are 'doing the work of Yahowha' actually believed they could control any and all information pertaining to either Jim Baker or The Source Family assuming that none of the other former members would dare challenge or speak out against anything they published or did such as entering into licensing agreements with entities giving the impression they owned all of the rights to every single song to come out of the experience.

But it's my feeling that you can only hide the truth about something for awhile, until the truth or reality about something finds its way to the surface, and where no amount of hype can undo or make things right.  After having one longtime member of 'the family' who joined The Brotherhood of The Source when she was in her early teens, say to me about Jim Baker, "he raped me and ruined my life"; I realized that I could no longer remain silent or go along with any of the promotion of Father Yod being some kind of cultural hero being perpetrated by a few individuals who are trying to pawn off Father Yod and The Source Family as being leaders or pioneers of the 'new age' movement, much less possessing any 'magical' ancient know-how, when it really has just been about promoting themselves.

Because, using women as sexual pawns in one man's need or desire to seek spiritual fulfillment through practicing sexual ceremonies which he imposed on an entire group of people where he believed that using his own semen and the menstrual blood of women would convey the ultimate spiritual awakening or attainment, and where children became the victims and recipients of one man's experimentation in having a group of people live out his ideal, new age lifestyle that shunned the use of modern medicine is hardly worthy of praise, much less repeating!

People should be informed and know about what really went on in The Source Family, before they begin to tailor their own lives in emulating this supposed ideal 'aquarian' existence that a few are trying to fob off onto the public.  It is impossible for people to make any kind of informed decision about either Jim Baker or The Source Family being vanguards of the entire 'new age'/vegetarian movement in this country, when they've only been fed a whitewashed and fantastical version of the story.

But, if you were not gay, and you were a female, especially a thin one or a celebrity or you had a lot of money; you would have been welcomed with open arms by Father Yod and even coveted by him, because money, women and power seemed to be his greatest motivators.

The Disempowerment of Robin Baker

As was the case with several of the young women who joined The Brotherhood of Source, Robin Baker was their inspiration to want to join.  Not only because she looked terrific and very 'together', but also because she exuded confidence and assurance in the spiritual path that she had adopted, along with the man whom she was thoroughly and dedicatedly in love with---her husband, Jim Baker.  Robin was called Mother in the early days of the brotherhood, a title that was well-deserved by her treatment of everyone who joined showing them the kindness and concern of a mother hen attending to her brood.

Because in the early days of the group, Robin was seen as the group's spiritual mother and Jim Baker as its spiritual father, and although Robin is only a couple of years older than me; she always seemed much older and wiser, as someone who had suffered quite a lot in her own life and had acquired her own innate wisdom and insight.

Robin Baker adopted her role as spiritual mother of the group with energy and enthusiasm and most everyone who knew her, became very fond of her which made it that much more difficult for some like me to watch Jim Baker displace and replace her with another woman who joined the group, something that I felt Robin bore extremely well.  Some of my best memories from the early days of being in the group were going with Robin and a handful of other women to the local flea markets or to Olvera Street to shop for the all-white Mexican clothing that most of us wore in the early days of the brotherhood, or to buy fabric, but all of those fun outings and excursions soon ended and things began to change dramatically once Jim Baker decided that he needed to create a super race of aquarian children, and in order to do that he believed that he needed to impregnate other women within his adopted aquarian family.

At that point for me, I began to lose any respect or admiration that I might have had for the man.  Especially when he sent Makushla to summon me to his upstairs bedroom one day to have sex with him where it became very clear to me that he was nothing more than a debauched middle-aged man who was using his position and power to sexually take advantage of the women in the group.  I felt embarrassed and ashamed for him and lost all respect that I ever had for the man, at that point.

But, when Robin was demoted from her position as spiritual mother and was replaced by Makushla at her husband's side; I was never able to view either Makushla or any of the other women whom Jim Baker began to accumulate around himself referring to them as his 'wives' with any degree of respect.  

Here is a radio interview that Robin Baker did a few years back that I wanted to share with those people who have become captivated by all of the mythology that has been spread around like so much manure about how god-like, wise and loving Jim Baker was or how enlightened or inspired life in The Source Family was supposed to have been in order to give them a better understanding of the role that Robin Baker played, and all that she had to endure and sacrifice throughout The Source Family, but most of all having to powerlessly watch her own husband, and the father of her child die in front of her.  https://www.everythingisstories.com/portfolio-audio/s02e05/

Below shows Jim Baker on his way to go hang gliding with a somber Robin next to him on what would literally be the last time she would walk with him.

Below are some of my very favorite photos of Robin that show her beauty. 

Robin holding her daughter, Tau

Robin sitting next to Jim during a concert held in the parking lot of The Source Restaurant.

 

Robin passed away on 1/8/23 

A Dissolution of Relationships

In order to write this blog, I have had to relive many of the distressing moments and emotions that I experienced during the course of The Source Family in order to write about those experiences and something that has not been easy to do.  I can only attest from firsthand experience that the long-term effects of following and obeying Jim Baker's directives did not have any lasting healthy or positive effect in people's lives, but rather left behind a wake of dysfunctional relationships, emotional suffering and physical scars, because families were torn apart while being part of Jim Baker's Source Family.  Which is why it's even that more unfathomable to me why some would want to continue in the folly of extolling the virtues of life in The Source Family.  I really didn't want to revisit many of the emotions and experiences from the six years that I spent in The Source Family and like other women experienced anguish, distress and separation as we watched and witnessed the men that we loved follow and obey the maladaptive belief system of Jim Baker's for the men to engage in sex with as many women as possible.  Some who even abandoned their own wives and children, in order to follow and carry out Father Yod's edict of the men having more than one woman.  Because Father Yod believed that only by destroying or deconstructing the matrimonial and emotional bonds between the men and women in his family and their children; would they be living his ideal of an Aquarian New Age family and so I witnessed the dissolution of many relationships and marriages throughout the years that The Source Family was in existence.  People would enter the group married or in close, committed relationships only to have their relationships or marriages torn apart and destroyed due to the misguided, self-serving directives of Jim Baker/Father Yod, because he believed that an open, sexual environment where both men and women having multiple sexual partners was healthy and represented the New Age of Aquarius where he would continually assign women to be with and serve men other than their own spouses---to become an interloper in a man's already established relationship or marriage with another woman.  The women were expected to just accept and endure it and even be happy about it!  As I've stated before, Jim Baker was continually messing with the personal lives and relationships of everyone in the group believing that he was setting an example for the men how they should treat women, along with a more hands-off impersonal attitude towards their own children.  In my opinion, relationships that should have been sacrosanct and left alone.  Although Jim Baker's belief in himself and the other men having multiple women seemed to glaringly contradict his very own commandment that he penned in 1969 that read, "The Man and His Woman are One, let nothing separate them.'" Which begs the question, "Even another woman?"  This commandment was later changed to, "The Man and His Women are One, let nothing separate them."  Ha!  How convenient.  Although there are still a couple of women who still cherish their days spent as one of  Yahowha's women, but that is only because they were never able to deprogram or disabuse themselves enough to see that women were treated more like chattel in The Source Family than anything else.  Women were seen as only a resource or commodity by Father Yod to direct or place with those whom he valued most---the men.  Because, deep down Jim Baker was more an old school sexist who was more concerned about his sons ie the men and whether or not they had angels (women) to take care of them especially sexually, than with anything else.  So, the women in Jim Baker's Aquarian family were relegated to a servile, albeit protected status something which became a constant part of his rhetoric about how it was a man's duty to protect and provide for his woman and a woman's duty was to obey and serve a man. Of course, Jim Baker had to change the singular woman to the plural women to accommodate the bevy of women he began to accumulate around himself.  One man (one of Jim Baker's most favored) once described being in The Source Family like being in a candy store with all of the sexually available women that were at his disposal, because that was what Father Yod was all about moving around the women and placing them with various men as some sort of reward for their devotion to him it would seem.  Women saw their own spouses and husbands, and fathers of their own children get so caught up in following Father Yod's directive of men having multiple, sexual partners within the family that their only choice was to either accept another woman being insinuated into their relationship, leave or dissociate just to cope.  But, this was supposed to be the Aquarian way of life as taught by our earthly spiritual father.  More like Aquarian bullshit!  Many married couples who joined soon saw their marriages fall apart because of following Father Yod's derelict and irresponsible Aquarian moral directives.  Jim Baker believed that he was setting the bar or the standard for all the men in how to attract and hold on to women, which is why he was continually casting around within the family for new sexual conquest to show off his prowess and ability to attract women.  It was practically impossible for any marriage to survive while being in The Source Family under the sexual promiscuity encouraged and promoted by a man who believed that women were only attracted to the most constant and powerful of men and so the men were encouraged to acquire as many women around them as they possibly could and to treat all their women equally showing no preference or deference to any one woman.  Yet, that was exactly what Jim Baker continuously did: he showed preference for one woman.  That one woman began with Robin Baker, whom he married prior to the formation of The Source Family and soon devolved into being another whom he became sexually enamored.  So, Jim Baker had to quickly adjust and tailor the social mores within his spiritual group to where a man should have multiple women to serve him while not showing preferential treatment to any one woman in his harem.  We were all brainwashed into believing that being an Aquarian meant that we all belonged to one tribe where men would have multiple women to attend to their every need, and where any emotional bonds or attachments to any one individual such as a wife or husband were seen as being from the past Piscean Age, and something which I observed created varying degrees of physical and emotional abandonment and neglect that arose from being encouraged by Father Yod to dissolve or shun any prior commitment to anyone they were either married to or had children with.