Nothing Like Taylor Camp on Kauai

Other than all of us running around naked, The Source Family cult on Kauai had nothing in common with Taylor Camp.  Our camp or compound was run strictly by the dictates of Jim Baker and the women who he surrounded himself calling them 'his wives'.  Where the people at Taylor Camp lived a more carefree and happy coexistence without any one person leading or controlling the group; those of us in The Source Family who ended up living on the land on Kauai had to abide by the rules of conduct imposed by Jim Baker and enforced by 'his women' who called themselves 'the council'. But, The Source Family showed up at the tail end of Taylor Camp and by then the locals had hippie fatigue and had little Aloha for this cult of people who showed up!  

I was sent to the compound on Kauai when my son was only a few months old and it was one of the most stressful and harrowing times spent in The Source Family, until the locals basically forced us off the island.  Although, after watching the video that I've included in this post it's understandable how the locals on Kauai had had enough of hippies after all of their experiences with the Taylor Camp people.

Although Jim Baker did not allow alcohol or drugs with the exception of a small toke of pot early in the morning during morning meditation.  But, not everyone had to participate in the smoking of pot.  I never did.  I never smoked pot while I was in The Source Family and had no inclination to participate in that little early morning pre-class ritual that Jim Baker had adopted.  So, although people were neither drunk or loaded like some people were in Taylor Camp, none of us had the freedom to go to the beach every day or enjoy much of anything on Kauai.  Women with infants or small children like myself were sequestered away remaining on the land while the locals became more and more threatening and unwelcoming.  

It was no surprise when Jim Baker decided to fly the coop and travel to Nepal under the pretense of looking for 'a new place' for the group to relocate when it was just a way for him to escape the worsening and oppressive conditions on Kauai, and so Jim Baker took a small entourage of his favorite women and only a couple of sons and flew back to the Mainland checking into a beautiful hotel room in San Francisco being waited on hand and foot while he negotiated his next move.  Heading to Europe and India first class decked out in the best suits money could buy and the nicest dresses and elaborate hats for the women accompanying him was far from the reality of what the remaining family members of Kauai were dealing with.  After ingesting 'magic mushrooms' Baker finally had the realization that he wasn't God and soon wanted to escape the dire conditions on Kauai.  So, he just abandoned the remaining family members to deal with the worsening conditions and hostile locals, while expecting the island of Kauai to support the remaining family members because he needed whatever monies were coming in from the sale of The Source Restaurant to fund his European vacation via expensive hotel stays while in San Francisco!  Here's the video about Taylor Camp on Kauai that I just ran across which helps give perspective about why the locals were so intolerant of The Source Family by the time we arrived on the island https://youtu.be/XepIDJ0lR8g?si=C6-kIv148xXDzLSw.  

I only knew of one guy in The Source Family who had been in Vietnam and his name was Waterfall and he was one of the most knowledgeable and resourceful men within the group.  There wasn't anything that Waterfall couldn't take care of or undertake; he was an invaluable member of The Source Family.  So, unlike The Taylor Camp which was comprised of several Vietnam Vets; I only knew of one in The Source Family, plus no one owned a surfboard or ever went surfing like at Taylor Camp.  I never went to the beach once while being stuck on Kauai.  My one and only outing was when I was forced to be part of the contingent of women with babies and small children who were made to go to the local welfare office to apply for birth certificates and welfare assistance.  

The Source Family had become a cult of followers around Jim Baker who had convinced us that we were all the leaders and forerunners of the Age of Aquarius where many actually believed they were more highly evolved spiritually than the people who populated places like Taylor Camp.  So, huge spiritual egos were prevalent within The Source Family.  I think that Jim Baker even offered to 'rid the island of hippies' at one point!  We had to strictly obey and abide by whatever rules and directives Jim Baker and 'his wives' devised as opposed to the open and carefree (more unstructured) communal living found at Taylor Camp.  Where the Taylor Camp was a true communal situation; the opposite was true of The Source Family.  We had become a cult of devoted followers of one man.  It became a very oppressive situation on Kauai.  Watching the video about Taylor Camp reminded me of the happy, carefree hippie lifestyle that I'd been leading, until I decided to join The Brotherhood of The Source in 1970 thinking and believing at the time that I had found an enlightened, New Age group.  I believe in terms of communal living back in the 1970's that Taylor Camp was much more successful as opposed to the cult lifestyle of The Source Family where everything revolved around Jim Baker, and where life became restrictive and stressful for the majority of us especially the women with babies and small children and where Jim Baker's so-called 'teachings' had disastrous results ending with his needless death.

Appropriation of The Source Family Narrative

To say that I am disgusted by the most recent appropriation of The Source Family by one person who now has created an embarrassing exhibit at The Museum of Sex in New York City is an understatement, and I am not alone in feeling that way.  It was bad enough having to actually endure the sexual practices imposed by Jim Baker while being in The Source Family and suffering from years of residual shame and embarrassment from that experience, but to now have one woman who was never in The Source Family appropriate the entire story and adapt the narrative to suit her own purposes which seem to be only about promoting herself is just too much.  Many of us who were actually in The Source Family have tried to put the awful occult sexual practices imposed by Jim Baker that he adopted after reading books by Aleister Crowley and The Golden Dawn behind us and forget about them.  Yet, one person continues to take and use the story of The Source Family for her own personal purposes never considering the impact that her actions have on many of the former members especially women like myself.  Exploitation of every aspect of The Source Family appears to be the only purpose of one person, and her most recent exploit is the most egregious yet.  One woman has adapted and attached her own narrative to that of any entire group of people, as though she had firsthand experience.  To present the sexual practices imposed by Jim Baker as being something that everyone willing participated is the farthest thing from the truth about what was really going on.  No one willingly wanted to participate in the sexual occult practices which Jim Baker decided to impose!  It was never a group decision, or something that any of us had a say or choice in doing!  But, that's what happens in a cult when you've adopted the transcendent belief system of a man whom you considered to be your earthly spiritual father and is exactly what happened in The Source Family.  The only willing participants were the most diehard entrenched devotees of Jim Baker's.  The rest of us (especially the women) just obeyed Jim Baker's directives.  The majority of family members didn't want to participate in Jim Baker's sexual practices which I doubt is reflected in the exhibit at the Museum of Sex.  Please don't present something that was just not true and create an exhibit around the sexual abuses that many of us endured while in The Source Family, because it is a painful thing for someone like me to see happening.  

(Thankfully, the exhibit ended on April 12th!)   

Who Were We?

Jim Baker left Kauai with a handful of family members that included Makushla and a couple of his other women who did not have infants, because the women with infants were left behind. A small handful of sons went along; Damian primarily to take care of arrangements along the way.  Baker and the small entourage went to San Francisco to plan his escape to Nepal, under the guise of searching for a new place for the rest of the family to move.  When in reality, it was only Jim Baker wanting to escape the worsening conditions on Kauai.  So, when another former family member recently suggested that I listen to the taped recording of Jim Baker at The Fairmont Hotel in San Franciso on 3/1/1975 because they had listened to it recently and were appalled at how callous, uncaring and self-absorbed Jim Baker actually sounded listening to him speak all these years later. 

I will summarize what is on that tape.  Jim Baker is sitting in a luxury hotel room at The Fairmont Hotel in San Franciso with not more than 7-8 people in the room sitting around him and are considered the "we" who Jim Baker continually refers to when he said the following to one of his wives/women who answered the phone at the Kauai compound, after she tells him that everything is going smoothly; Jim Baker says, "Everything is going smoothly?  Alright we're going to take care of that.  You know that money that Ahom asked for the other day, well we're not going to send it and the reason we;re not going to send it is not because we don't have it.  We have it.  But, we're not going to send it. Whaddaya think of that?"  he says laughing along with those around him.  Again, who were the "we" he was referring?  If the majority of the family members were still on Kauai; then he must have been referring to himself and the handful of family members there with him in San Franciso.  He created a smaller version of an us vs them scenario where "we" were the small handful of family members with him at the hotel in San Franciso, and the "them/they" the remaining 100 family members left on Kauai.  Although, no one would have questioned anything that Jim Baker did or said at that point; especially if you were lucky enough to have escaped Kauai with him and be staying at The Fairmont Hotel in San Franciso enjoying the perks that went with all of that!  While the rest of us were abandoned and left behind on Kauai to fend for ourselves by prevailing upon the island of Kauai for welfare support.  That is what Jim Baker was counting on.

The tape begins with Jim Baker talking about welfare for the family members on Kauai may come through because, "For the life of me, I don't know what else they can do."  Jim Baker believed the island of Kauai should be held responsible for the remaining family members on Kauai.....not him.  One minute he's saying, "Now with everybody here taken care of with a safe place, a legal place to live; for just a few thou (thousand dollars); I can go to Nepal and check that out and begin the wheels turning over there to bring us all over there." Then the next minute he's telling Atla not to deposit a $1,000 check, because he's not going to send the money to Kauai.  He says "So, those in Hawaii are alright....they're alright.  However, we cannot afford $1,000 to send over there.  (Again, who were the "we" that he was referring to?)  Atla, so you redeposit that check and next time you talk with Ahom you drop the sad news to them."

So, basically one minute Jim Baker has agreed to send $1,000 to the remaining group of family members on Kauai where all of the women and children still remained, including his own three women/wives and his three babies!  Because he refused to send money.  Why, because it would be less for him to spend on hotel rooms and room service and first-class tickets to Nepal with Makushla?  He proceeded to say, "I want them to really suffer."  Everyone around him laughed.  It didn't seem to matter that 'them' included his own babies!  It was really disturbing to listen to Jim Baker rationalize his actions while trying to present it all as spiritual lessons that he wouldn't want to deprive the family members on Kauai of.  Dress it up as a spiritual teaching or lesson and your followers will believe anything you say and so he proceeds to tell the members on Kauai, "Sweethearts, now you can teach like never before.  I think you hear me."  Telling the handful of followers surrounding him at The Fairmont Hotel, "I want the island to see it.  If they (the family on Kauai) left there now; if we pulled them out now when they're in a position to teach like that; it would be a tragic mistake. Provided we don't get weak and pull them out through our concern in the matter."  Concern in the matter??!!  What the hell!  How could Jim Baker and the small group of followers not be concerned with the welfare of all the children left on Kauai?  He continues on saying, "The matter is perfect.  Let it fulfill itself now that the city (meaning the welfare department on Kauai) is going to have to feed them. What are they going to say about that?  What if they're all out there on the road and they've moved them out with no food, no place to lay their head.  What's the island going to do?"  The tragic mistake was how Jim Baker was using some made up spiritual bs how the women with babies and small children three of whom were his own needed to fend for themselves while he sat in a nice comfortable hotel room in San Franciso being waited on hand and foot and obeyed by the small contingent of followers lucky enough to have escaped the worsening conditions on Kauai. 

It was difficult listening to the tape of Jim Baker from 1973 of him shouting in a very loud, bombastic voice telling Atla, "Get them on the phone for me.  I want to talk to Ahom.....or Isis, or any of the women.  I will talk to the first woman of Yahowhaho's who picks up the phone. If she's not a woman of Yahowhaho's, if she's not one of my wives then she's to get the nearest wife.  Now is the time for the champions" in Jim Baker's usual histrionics.  Because throughout the length of the family, Jim Baker would continually create distinctions between people in the family to make some feel more chosen and special to him as in "my wives" to evoke their loyalty and obedience to him and by showering praise on them.  Loud and bombastic, literally shouting into the phone.  But, Jim Baker had become so deluded in his role as Yahowhaho which made it easy for him to tell the little group of "we" sitting in front of him in San Francisco, "What a learning experience for my children.  What a tightening experience.  No, no I wouldn't deny them or they, they or them that; so you're not to send them that $1,000."  Money that would have gone to feed the children, his own three babies among them.  

Jim Baker was literally shouting into the phone, "Now is the opportunity for my children to learn so rapidly it will blow their minds.  Now, do you have the stomach for it?  If they move you out on the road, it's the best thing that could happen.  If they allow you to remain there without food; it's the best thing that could happen.  There's the situation.  You're there on the property. You are without food.  You are without sustenance."  Making it all sound so nonchalant. Then he says something unbelievably petty, "Listen, I'm not going to pay for a lot of long distance phone calls.  Now, when you call me, I want it to be something heavy.  See?"  Laughing he says, "I'm a news hound" When he gets off the phone he addresses the small group in the hotel room saying, "Ahom still thinks she's married to Jim Baker (which she legally still was) He continued saying, "See, Ahom has never quite been ready for this much spirit."  

Sounding even more unbalanced he starts saying, "Even if they (the locals on Kauai) come with guns we're ready for that too.  If they come with guns, they ain't ever going to arrest them (meaning the sons at the compound) if they kill em all. You know what I mean?  Man comes on your property with a gun; you can shoot his ass off."  Then he began shouting about a No Trespassing sign that he wanted posted on the gates of the compound on Kauai with the exact size and color and where to post it!  Insisting that it included Absolutely No Trespassing telling the woman on the phone, "You better put that absolutely in woman.  I'll have your head when you get off the phone.  I don't care if you're pregnant or not."  It was all so insane sounding saying things like, "Nobody's going to get hurt.  Even if they get hurt know what I mean?  Somebody gets killed it's just a release.  They've just been granted release peace."

He had the same attitude towards the infants at the Father House who were in dire need of medical help; that if they died it was just a release.....no big deal.  

Photo above courtesy of Scott Enyart.

Stretching the Truth

I recently listened to a podcast by two young women about Jim Baker and The Source Family, and to the credit of one of the young women she had made an effort to find newspaper articles in search of factual information about Baker, and she talked about finding this article in the San Bernardino Sun from 1955

about the time that Jim Baker judo chopped and killed his neighbor in a dispute about the way that Baker took care of the guy's dog, while the guy was in jail, and she also referenced the article saying how Baker had claimed to the reporter that he had won 'the 1948 World Judo Championship with Wild Bill Zim of Argentina' fueling my interest to find out if that was a valid claim made by Baker.  Here's another newspaper clipping from 1955 where Jim Baker made the same claim.

With a simple google search I found a website about Wild Bill Zim, a wrestler from New York (not Argentina) who did participate in a judo exhibition with Baker in 1948 and quickly lost to Baker, for obvious reasons such as Wild Bill was a wrestler and did not practice judo and wasn't proficient at it, as was Jim Baker.  So, the exhibition wasn't a World Judo Championship by any means which makes you wonder why Jim Baker would make such a claim.  I don't recall Jim Baker ever talking about any of his past exploits and if he did, I was not present and only learned about them years after The Source Family had disbanded and one person took it upon herself to try and resurrect the whole thing.  I had never heard of Jim Baker being called 'the world's strongest boy', as my old friend, Robert aka Omne stated in the 2012 film.  But, considering Jim Baker's younger days growing up during the Great Depression in Cincinnati at a time when people would often claim being 'the strongest' of this or that; it came as no surprise that Baker may have elaborated about himself.  Here is an interesting link about 'the world's strongest men from around the time when Jim Baker was growing up https://rarehistoricalphotos.com/early-strongmen-photographs/#:~:text=21-year-old%20Swansea%20tailor%20Harry%20Pelta%2C%20winner%20of%20the,supports%20a%20200-pound%20motorcycle%20and%20its%20rider.%201932..  Baker was trying to make a name for himself, and so I can understand why he might have embellished his past accomplishments in order to appear as the strongest or a world champion of something.

Wild Bill Zim's son found several newspaper articles in the Cincinnati Times from 1946 through 1949 about Jim Baker and sent them to me and I've included those articles.  I found contradictions about Baker's father, where in the San Bernardino Sun article Baker told the reporter that his father was a Chicago detective killed by gangsters, and in another article it states that Baker's father was a professional wrestler and that Jim lived with him in Vallejo, California in 1938.  It was my understanding that Jim Baker's father left him and his mother in Ohio when Baker was very young, and that was what the majority of former members like me understood to be true.  In Charlene Peter's book about the Source Family she wrote that Baker's father was a firefighter. 

There is also the claim that Jim Baker earned a Silver Star at Guadalcanal during World War II for shooting down 13 Japanese bombers, although some have searched the Army database for Marines awarded a Silver Star and could not find a citation for James Edward Baker.  Although, an article about weightlifting in Strength and Health magazine from 1945 about Jim Baker mentions him 'sporting a decoration for conspicuous gallantry'.  Here is that article: 

 Another version was that Baker had punched his commanding officer while on the USS Chicago and was being taken to the brig when the Japanese began to attack the ship, and that he didn't actually receive a Silver Star citation, due to him assaulting an officer. 

At least these newspaper articles from 1940's Cincinnati gave me more insight into the kind of young man that Jim Baker was and how in one article he was described as being 'a hustler in capital letters'

---a young man into weightlifting and physical fitness who taught judo and joined the Marines who may have stretched the truth about his accomplishments and titles.  It's easy to see how stretching the truth served Jim Baker's purpose again when he gathered a group of much younger, adoring followers around him convincing them that he was their 'earthly spiritual father' and then deciding to have multiple 'spiritual wives' in addition to his only legal wife at the time, Robin Baker to have them all wait on him and pamper him in obedience and supplication.    Here are more articles that mention Jim Baker from The Cincinnati Times.

I found this website with historical photos taken at Venice Beach from 1949 when bodybuilding and weightlifting were hugely popular which shows the health and fitness culture that Jim Baker had become a part of when he was in Los Angeles. https://rarehistoricalphotos.com/original-muscle-beach-1949/?fbclid=IwAR26MEWky-LZic1A7CaH_pMiChiYFYdK_-jcATxxrORb2XG_akM_qFE3XuM

Anyway, I believe in giving credit where credit is due to Jim Baker for whatever he did accomplish in his life.  It's just that I cannot give him credit for being 'an earthly spiritual father' or a 'wise and enlightened spiritual teacher' when he repeatedly transgressed the personal and sexual boundaries of many of the women, after he formed The Brotherhood of The Source; especially young women who were 14, 15, 16 and 17 years old.  Whether or not it was the early seventies when 'free love' and 'sexual liberation' abounded as part of the counterculture; it doesn't excuse the fact that Jim Baker, the father of a daughter should have known better.

Retrospective

One of the most telling tracks recorded of Jim Baker's cacophonous singing (mostly yelling and wailing) was a track titled A Kind of Depression.  Because Jim Baker could only draw on his own feelings, emotions and past life experiences; the words he spoke, yelled and wailed throughout this track were very telling.  Here are Jim Baker's painful and remorseful words on that track:

This love of mine goes on and on.

Life's been so empty since you have gone.  

You're always on my mind though out of sight.  

It's lonely through the day and all the night. 

I've cried my heart out it's goin to break. 

What does it matter let it break.  

I walk---I walk alone til I walk with you what else can I do. 

I'll talk---I'll talk to none without you what else can I do.  

Tears of pain and tears of remorse.  

Oh, baby come back put me on course. 

I've a very strange feeling I ain't felt before.  

It's tearing my heart out. I ain't me anymore. 

It's grinding it's an upside shot. 

Give me some compassion.  

Now my heart it's acting strangely it felt rather sore.  At least it gave me that impression.  

Without you I don't want no more. 

Yeah, I fell in love with some girl.  She put my heart in a whirl now badly by some girl. Got me in a knot don't know what's what.

So, I'm in a kind of depression.

I reached out to Chris Johnson aka Octavius for his input/feedback about this track and specifically about Jim Baker's tortured lyrics and singing.  Here is what he wrote back.

Definitely about a woman before Robin. Seems to be an opposite message from the norm.  I will share what I noticed even then while mastering the selections I dissected from the chaos that now are hailed as the genius of Jim Baker the musician artist.  He had no natural talent other than being willing to throw himself off the cliff into the unknown and BS his way in real time.  He was good at that.  Example:  becoming a judo instructor from a book.  Health club gym owner when there were none. Sandalmaker when there were none.  Health food restaurant when there were none.  White male western guru figuring out what he believed on the fly.  Frontman for a spontaneous band.  Could not play an instrument so he got the biggest drum to beat.  Could not keep time.  Singer of whatever came to mind.  Was NOT a singer.  But, he could whistle better than most....I guess?  So, to your question: (I asked Chris about the tortured, wailing yelling words on the track) He could only draw from the experiences he had.  Like we all do.  His melodies, whistling, and constructs were all bits and pieces of music from the 40's.  I would think to myself, "Where have I heard that before?" Lil kitties, gonna take you home, the whistling, and some of his lyrics were all drawn from things in his past.  Shipmates stand together???  So, my best guess is he was singing about his girlfriend (forgot her name) who helped him build The Source.  Just his expression and body language testifies to his happiness.  Before Robin.  I don't know if he was a happy soul.  He once said something to the effect of, "What a mess I've created."  Yup, he did.  I think he was probably happier before the 'family'.  He actually was a young soul trying to figure out what had more value: The Material or Spiritual.  So, he was a prisoner to his own habit pattern.  Becoming bored with where he found himself and abandoning it in the end.  Restaurants, marriages, children, lifestyles, friends, beliefs, and life in general.  This is why he did what he did.  Pushing and testing limits and norms.  This is the same burden our generation suffers.  Single parent homes.  No examples.  Guess this is why he needed to be the 'Father' he never had.  This is why we all do the things we do.  My opinion for what it's worth.  With every myth comes the point where 'the rubber meets the road'.  Outside of all the machismo, he could have been a friend.  But, it still remains the biggest lesson in post graduate Sociology one could not imagine.  The masculine Father image for better and for worse.  And I am grateful to the universe for it. His ego had never felt so much pump.  He fell for the temporary, lost sight of the eternal.  It happens.

https://youtu.be/xgA0GEuzchs

Thanks to the input from former members like Chris and the others whose voices I've included on this blog, it helps give the viewing public a more honest and authentic view of Jim Baker, as opposed to the embellished and exaggerated (and often erroneous) narrative that's continually being put forth.  There are a few former members who are not afraid to share their memories and experiences of Jim Baker that portray the man as being flawed and human.

Lovely To Look At But Not Heard

Jim Baker continually spoke about Jesus and even sang "you are Jesus, are you ready for that" on a Ya Ho Wha 13 track.  His daily morning meditations or class would often contain references to biblical parables, and his favorite film was The Ten Commandments.  There was a distinct Christian theme or reference to almost every aspect of Jim Baker's so-called 'teachings', and yet when Lovely Previn was interviewed for the 2012 film about The Source Family; her interview was cut and not used, because she talked about her strong Christian faith.  

Per Lovely, she spoke about how much she enjoyed joining The Source Family and finding a family, and a father-figure in Jim Baker---two things that had been lacking in her own life.  Lovely also talked about how the things that Jim Baker was teaching weren't getting her to the place that she knew she was going; which was the life of a devout Christian.  I saw firsthand how Lovely was shunned and ridiculed by some former Source Family members, because of her strong Christian views which they felt did not align with whatever they believed Jim Baker's 'aquarian teachings" to be.  What hypocrites!

I only just recently learned from Lovely that she had been interviewed for the film, and how when she found out that her interview wasn't included in the film; she instinctively knew why.  Jim Trattner aka Magus had been interviewed extensively and his interview segments were used in the film, and yet he left The Source Family early at the Mother House.  Whereas, Lovely had been in The Source Family much longer and had felt very close to Jim Baker because he supported her music and inspired her to improvise musically.  Lovely was a very accomplished violinist and vocalist who played and sang on many of the albums released.  Also, she was present on the day that Jim Baker died recording everything he said after he crash-landed on the beach.  I would have thought that Lovely would have been the perfect former member to interview!  But, it was only because Lovely expressed her strong Christian views and values that her interview segment was not used in the film, because whomever was controlling the direction of the film didn't like what Lovely had to say.

Here is what Lovely had to say in her own words:

I got a message from Isis asking if I’d like to do an interview for the upcoming Source family documentary. I arranged a time for Jodi and her two-man crew to come over to my house. They rearranged my dining room area as the best place to film and made it look nice, then Jodi began the interview. I don’t remember the questioning exactly but asking me about my time in the Source family and what I thought of it now is probably a general guideline. 

I can say at that time in my life as a young teenager probably age 15 I felt a very strong need for a family.  I experienced my classmates’ homes and spent many happy overnight stays with their families.  I came from a divorced family; my parents were already divorced when my mother was three months pregnant with me, so there was the lack of father and lack of warm togetherness living with my mother and my older sister. 

The Source offered me a big family, father-type figure and spiritual teachings I longed for as I searched for God. I was taken away after the first year to go and finish high school in the countryside of England. I had no choice because I was not 18 yet. Once I had graduated I came home to Los Angeles to get a job a car and be normal but soon felt the pull of family and went back. Many were in Hawaii and the restaurant was being sold so I helped the manager train the new owners and workers and was eventually able to join everyone over in the islands. 

Fast forward to Jim Baker taking the hang-gliding adventure that eventually caused him to pass away. I felt very close to him because he was an older man well educated, a great businessman, knowledgeable about so many things and I too had my good British education. He also encouraged me with my music which my parents never did; he told me to go out on the deck in Lanikai and just play my violin however my heart led me to play which is how I began improvising. That was very crucial for me to have that support. The day of the hang gliding I was the one carrying the tape recorder recording everything he said from when he took off on the cliff down on the beach, as we drove him home and during those eight hours until he passed away I was right next to him recording every word. Then when we laid him out in his bed there was a 24-hour vigil so I played my violin next to his bed in the wee hours of the morning.

This is probably the story I told the day I was interviewed for the documentary which brings me to my faith and belief system I spoke about in the next portion of the interview.

After believing in the teachings I learned from the family for 25 years I felt spiritually bankrupt. I wasn’t sure with the methods I’d been given whether I would reach liberation or whatever was the goal where my soul and spirit would end up. I spoke about being in a band that was a Christian band and travelling around every weekend sometimes to 2 or three different churches, praying with everyone before we went out and presented special music to the congregation. I was able to ask lots of questions about some of these lesser gods and teachings I’d been believing. Finally I said to the band leader look, I know that I am a Christian, but what have you done to become a Christian you’ve done something what is it?  The leader wouldn’t really answer me and then one day we performed the special music at a Calvary Chapel church.  After over a year none of the churches had ever given an “altar call” asking if anyone wanted to receive Christ, but this Pastor did and I had the realization that to become a Christian I needed to raise my hand publicly and declare my love and desire to follow Christ for what he did for me. Everyone in the church was crying and rejoicing and I ended up playing in that worship team for five years. I read the Bible 9 times and grew in grace and understanding of what I had now become. I even took most of the books that I had followed all those years before and threw them away because I did not need them anymore.

Jim Baker had us all use Bibles and marked certain red letter words that Jesus spoke. I learned that my interview was not going to be used in the Source documentary. My guess is it happened because I didn’t support the old teachings and source ways. 

When I eventually saw the documentary I was so overjoyed to hear something Jim said that I never knew he said, which was that he had given all that he could to all of us, there was nothing left he could give and now he was placing his whole life into the hands of God and that he was surrendering everything. That gave me a lot of hope that I will see him again someday. I believe in his heart he was trying to help a lot of very lost people and he eventually went into wrong directions and led some people astray but I believe that he meant well and that statement is a form of repentance remorse and feeling sorry for what he did. 

The censure and exclusion of former Source Family members is the kind of thing that I cannot stand about the continuing promotion of Father Yod and The Source Family by one person who has tried to control the entire narrative, and how if something or someone doesn't conform to some fabricated 'Source Family values' then they are dismissed and excluded in the same way that Lovely was dismissed and excluded in having her story told and her voice heard in the 2012 film.

Jim Baker is heard saying the following in the 2012 film, "I am completely dependent upon the God of all to take care of me" and one of the very last things he said after he crash-landed on the beach was, "I thought that I was going to fly the kite.  I guess it was God's last lesson he had to teach me."  Jim Baker was a deep believer in God, and yet there are former Source Family members who mock Lovely for having the same deep belief in God.  

Life Comes First

One of the most detrimental beliefs of Jim Baker's so-called ''teachings' was the one where he spoke against anyone in his Source Family seeking or using medical help, especially against anyone undergoing a blood transfusion.  Jim Baker adopted a belief that blood platelets contained a person's memories or what he called 'the river of life' that would supposedly playback at the moment of death, in order for that person to learn from their mistakes made in life, before being reincarnated into another body.  That was the belief that Jim Baker adopted taken from something he had read, and became a fundamental part of Baker's 'aquarian teachings'---that his followers abstain from seeking or using medical help and modern medicine, but most importantly at all cost to not allow a person's blood to be removed from their body upon death, but allow the body to remain undisturbed for three days to allow that person to view their 'river of life' and learn their life lessons, before being reincarnated.  It was that belief system adopted by Jim Baker which prevented infants from receiving medical treatment, and why Baker was persuaded from having medical treatment himself, after crash landing on a beach and being reminded of his own 'teaching'.

I recently learned about the rabbinic principle pikuach nefesh in an article that challenged the belief of Jehovah's Witnesses against blood transfusions.  It is essentially the argument that Jesus was to have used with the pharaohs that the preservation of life clearly has to come first, before all other considerations.  A principle that seemed to have been lost on Jim Baker.  Here is a definition of that principle: https://www.gotquestions.org/pikuach-nefesh.html.  It basically says that 'life comes first' and everything should be done to preserve life, beyond any religious belief of any kind.  Who knows, perhaps Jim Baker never knew or read about the principle of pikuach nefesh, because it was certainly not applied after Jim Baker crash-landed on the beach and asked the women around him, if he should go to the hospital.  That principle was also not in play when infants born in The Source Family at The Father House did not receive any medical help and subsequently died, because seeking or using medical help would have been going against one of the fundamental 'teachings' or beliefs put into place by our 'spiritual' leader, teacher and ersatz father figure, Jim Baker.  So, two infants and Jim Baker himself died being held to the flawed 'teachings' put into place within The Source Family, by the man.  Historically, you don't have to look back very far to see how many people have died following and obeying the harmful beliefs of zealous religious and cult leaders, which is what happened in The Source Family.

Jim Baker incorporated The Essene Teachings of Jesus Christ into his 'aquarian teachings', and consistently would preach/talk about and even sang, "You are Jesus, are you ready for that'; he even composed his own 'ten commandments for the aquarian age' to resemble Mose's Ten Commandments.  A large portion of Jim Baker's 'teachings' either resembled or were founded on the teachings of Jesus Christ, and he ardently embraced the Jewish term for god---Yod Hey Vav Hey, and yet nowhere in any of it did Jim Baker ever utter the principle of pikuach nefesh; otherwise a couple of infants might have lived and grown up to have happy, fulfilling lives, and even Jim Baker would most likely have survived his injuries and lived to see his own children grow up.  Life should come first, before any so-called spiritual or religious beliefs.

After reading about the Jehovah's Witness parents who allowed their 11-year-old son to die, rather than allowing him to receive a blood transfusion; it reminded me of the same, misguided and deleterious beliefs that Jim Baker had adopted about not having a blood transfusion, based on a belief that a person's blood platelets contained their entire life story to be viewed at the moment of death.  Jim Baker would simply attach the word 'aquarian' and incorporated stuff he'd read to be part of his so-called 'teachings', and who, upon crashing-landing on the beach and sustaining life-threatening injuries was surrounded by his fervent, loyal followers who reminded him of his own 'teaching' not to seek medical help, and who made sure his body was allowed to remain undisturbed for three days, in order for Jim Baker to view his own 'river of life'.  Then, blinded by her own religious, zealous beliefs; one of the more aggressive, controlling women surrounding Jim Baker would not allow Jim Baker's adult son to speak to his father for one last time, while Jim Baker lay dying and his adult son called the Glass House in Lanikai wanting to speak to his Dad for one last time, but was told, "No, you're Father doesn't want to speak to you,"----something which I find to have been a cruel thing for someone to do!  How could anyone deny a son the chance to speak to his own dying father for one last time, because of the fear that real family member might emotionally influence their parent and convince them to seek medical help----it's the kind of extremism that being in a spiritual or religious cult like The Source Family created and fomented.  When the 2012 film about The Source Family came out; there was an effort to attach the catchphrase "Just Be Kind' to Jim Baker.  What a mockery the catchphrase "Just Be Kind" is when babies were denied medical treatment of any kind and allowed to suffer and die.

It is often a tragic outcome for people who adhere to extreme religious or spiritual beliefs which deny life-saving procedures and treatments; especially when parents impose their extreme religious beliefs on infants and children who lack the experience and understanding to make that kind of choice---the same way that Jim Baker imposed his beliefs and directives on helpless infants and little children; especially two infants at The Father House in Los Angeles who should have received medical treatment and been given a chance to grow up.  Misguided, religious zealots who impose their harmful and detrimental beliefs on helpless and innocent children is the most tragic outcome of many cults, and is what happened in The Source Family.