Being Overweight Or Gay

Jim Baker was obsessed with all of the women in his 'family' being thin, as he was with the men and women in his group having specific gender roles that definitely did not include gay people.  I have a cassette tape recording where he is addressing one of 'his' women who happened to be a couple of dress sizes larger than most of his other women where he says', "I forgive her for being a little overweight."  Excuse me? He forgave her for being a little overweight?!!  But, that was the message that Jim Baker sent to every woman in 'the family'; that we should all strive to be skinny.

I was a little overweight when I joined 'the family' more chubby than anything, and so Jim Baker repeatedly tried to put me on a diet that consisted of only vegetable juices and cottage cheese.  A vegetable juice and cottage cheese diet was something that he would put many of the women on whom he felt were overweight in his 'ideal aquarian family', because interfering in every aspect of his 'family' member's lives is something that Father Yod did consistently; especially when it came to the appearance of the women.

Father Yod wanted everyone in The Source Family to be representative of health and vigor, which meant all of the women should be svelte, and although he constantly extolled the benefits of exercise and diet; I never actually saw him exercising, with the exception of swinging on the gravity bars once in awhile, but he always seemed rather out of shape to me with his big stomach and flaccid arms.  He certainly didn't look as muscular and virile as seen in photos from when he was younger, but he was middle-aged when he started The Brotherhood of The Source with his wife, Robin Baker.  I also never recall Father Yod putting any of the men on any diets to lose weight.  But, it wasn't like I was obese or that my health was at risk; so I rebelled and refused to remain on any of the diets that Jim Baker tried to put me on, and didn't drop my few extra pounds until a year or two after 'the family' ended, and then I did it for myself and not for anyone else least of all a spiritual blowhard who tried to impose his idealized female body type on to all of the women in The Source Family!  I resented a fifty-year old man whom himself seemed rather out of shape, telling me that I needed to diet.  Anyone can judge just how overweight I was from the early 'family' photos that I have posted on this blog.

But, Father Yod was continually imposing dietary restrictions on the entire group, as well as his own sexist generational views of what a woman should wear and look like and what her 'duties' to a man should be.  Yeah, welcome to the 'Aquarian Age'!  Gloria Steinem would have been aghast at the outdated and regressive male views that Jim Baker held about what the role of women in The Source Family should be!  Because Jim Baker believed that all of the problems in the world between women and men had to do with them not fulfilling their 'duties' to one another; duties which to me seemed more like a throwback to another era and subjugated women more than anything else when women didn't really have any rights; especially over their bodies and were expected to behave more like servants and handmaidens waiting on and attending to a man's every need doing his bidding while relegated to a protected and sequestered existence which consisted of bearing and raising children and doing all of the menial household chores.

So, being gay certainly did not fit into the specific gender roles which Jim Baker believed men and women should perform.  Welcome to The Source Family....no fat chicks or gay people wanted!  It's no wonder that so many people even mildly interested didn't stick around, because of the many stringent requirements for becoming a forerunner of  'the aquarian age'!  You shouldn't be either gay or fat.  I remember one morning in San Francisco when a couple of gay men showed up for morning 'class' and Father Yod reigned down like a fire-and-brimstone preacher in his very loud and bombastic way about what an abomination it was for men to sleep with other men.  Needless to say, they never returned.  So, for anyone who wants to believe that Father Yod and The Source Family were cultural icons and forerunners of anything; especially of an enlightened 'new age', they have been mislead and bamboozled---taken in by all of the hype surrounding the film, along with the overembellished narrative given in the plethora of interviews done by just one person; someone who themselves can barely remember much of anything, yet presents themselves as being the authority on Jim Baker and spokesperson for every former 'source family' member.

I realize that this blog is going to disillusion many people who would rather believe all of the hyperbole, because it can be very deflating and disappointing to learn about the darker, more disturbing aspects of someone or something; especially if it conflicts with their idealized notions about The Source Family.  I realize there will be some people who would rather cling to the fairy tale gloss over image of The Source Family and Father Yod; people who would rather not have their illusions about all of it destroyed.  But, people should know that up until now, they've only been fed an exaggerated and idealized version of what life was really like in The Source Family, a version that has left out anything that the public might find unpalatable or disgusting, because gaining fans and followers and selling source-branded products/merchandise is the most important thing for some people; who believe they are spreading 'the teachings of Yahowha' to the rest of the world.

But, rather than being forthright and honest and telling the truth----shining a light on everything that was inherently wrong, unjust and harmful about being in The Source Family; only the seemingly ideal and attractive aspects of the entire story were used in one person's book or rendition of life in The Source Family, which the documentary was based on, but which is a story that has been sanitized and whitewashed leaving out anything the public might find disgusting or revolting, and where the same two people who compiled their book believe they are 'doing the work of Yahowha' actually believed they could control any and all information pertaining to either Jim Baker or The Source Family assuming that none of the other former members would dare challenge or speak out against anything they published or did such as entering into licensing agreements with entities giving the impression they owned all of the rights to every single song to come out of the experience.

But it's my feeling that you can only hide the truth about something for awhile, until the truth or reality about something finds its way to the surface, and where no amount of hype can undo or make things right.  After having one longtime member of 'the family' who joined The Brotherhood of The Source when she was in her early teens, say to me about Jim Baker, "he raped me and ruined my life"; I realized that I could no longer remain silent or go along with any of the promotion of Father Yod being some kind of cultural hero being perpetrated by a few individuals who are trying to pawn off Father Yod and The Source Family as being leaders or pioneers of the 'new age' movement, much less possessing any 'magical' ancient know-how, when it really has just been about promoting themselves.

Because, using women as sexual pawns in one man's need or desire to seek spiritual fulfillment through practicing sexual ceremonies which he imposed on an entire group of people where he believed that using his own semen and the menstrual blood of women would convey the ultimate spiritual awakening or attainment, and where children became the victims and recipients of one man's experimentation in having a group of people live out his ideal, new age lifestyle that shunned the use of modern medicine is hardly worthy of praise, much less repeating!

People should be informed and know about what really went on in The Source Family, before they begin to tailor their own lives in emulating this supposed ideal 'aquarian' existence that a few are trying to fob off onto the public.  It is impossible for people to make any kind of informed decision about either Jim Baker or The Source Family being vanguards of the entire 'new age'/vegetarian movement in this country, when they've only been fed a whitewashed and fantastical version of the story.

But, if you were not gay, and you were a female, especially a thin one or a celebrity or you had a lot of money; you would have been welcomed with open arms by Father Yod and even coveted by him, because money, women and power seemed to be his greatest motivators.

The Disempowerment of Robin Baker

As was the case with several of the young women who joined The Brotherhood of Source, Robin Baker was their inspiration to want to join.  Not only because she looked terrific and very 'together', but also because she exuded confidence and assurance in the spiritual path that she had adopted, along with the man whom she was thoroughly and dedicatedly in love with---her husband, Jim Baker.  Robin was called Mother in the early days of the brotherhood, a title that was well-deserved by her treatment of everyone who joined showing them the kindness and concern of a mother hen attending to her brood.

Because in the early days of the group, Robin was seen as the group's spiritual mother and Jim Baker as its spiritual father, and although Robin is only a couple of years older than me; she always seemed much older and wiser, as someone who had suffered quite a lot in her own life and had acquired her own innate wisdom and insight.

Robin Baker adopted her role as spiritual mother of the group with energy and enthusiasm and most everyone who knew her, became very fond of her which made it that much more difficult for some like me to watch Jim Baker displace and replace her with another woman who joined the group, something that I felt Robin bore extremely well.  Some of my best memories from the early days of being in the group were going with Robin and a handful of other women to the local flea markets or to Olvera Street to shop for the all-white Mexican clothing that most of us wore in the early days of the brotherhood, or to buy fabric, but all of those fun outings and excursions soon ended and things began to change dramatically once Jim Baker decided that he needed to create a super race of aquarian children, and in order to do that he believed that he needed to impregnate other women within his adopted aquarian family.

At that point for me, I began to lose any respect or admiration that I might have had for the man.  Especially when he sent Makushla to summon me to his upstairs bedroom one day to have sex with him where it became very clear to me that he was nothing more than a debauched middle-aged man who was using his position and power to sexually take advantage of the women in the group.  I felt embarrassed and ashamed for him and lost all respect that I ever had for the man, at that point.

But, when Robin was demoted from her position as spiritual mother and was replaced by Makushla at her husband's side; I was never able to view either Makushla or any of the other women whom Jim Baker began to accumulate around himself referring to them as his 'wives' with any degree of respect.  

Here is a radio interview that Robin Baker did a few years back that I wanted to share with those people who have become captivated by all of the mythology that has been spread around like so much manure about how god-like, wise and loving Jim Baker was or how enlightened or inspired life in The Source Family was supposed to have been in order to give them a better understanding of the role that Robin Baker played, and all that she had to endure and sacrifice throughout The Source Family, but most of all having to powerlessly watch her own husband, and the father of her child die in front of her.  https://www.everythingisstories.com/portfolio-audio/s02e05/

Below shows Jim Baker on his way to go hang gliding with a somber Robin next to him on what would literally be the last time she would walk with him.

Below are some of my very favorite photos of Robin that show her beauty. 

Robin holding her daughter, Tau

Robin sitting next to Jim during a concert held in the parking lot of The Source Restaurant.

 

Robin passed away on 1/8/23 

A Dissolution of Relationships

In order to write this blog, I have had to relive many of the distressing moments and emotions that I experienced during the course of The Source Family in order to write about those experiences and something that has not been easy to do.  I can only attest from firsthand experience that the long-term effects of following and obeying Jim Baker's directives did not have any lasting healthy or positive effect in people's lives, but rather left behind a wake of dysfunctional relationships, emotional suffering and physical scars, because families were torn apart while being part of Jim Baker's Source Family.  Which is why it's even that more unfathomable to me why some would want to continue in the folly of extolling the virtues of life in The Source Family.  I really didn't want to revisit many of the emotions and experiences from the six years that I spent in The Source Family and like other women experienced anguish, distress and separation as we watched and witnessed the men that we loved follow and obey the maladaptive belief system of Jim Baker's for the men to engage in sex with as many women as possible.  Some who even abandoned their own wives and children, in order to follow and carry out Father Yod's edict of the men having more than one woman.  Because Father Yod believed that only by destroying or deconstructing the matrimonial and emotional bonds between the men and women in his family and their children; would they be living his ideal of an Aquarian New Age family and so I witnessed the dissolution of many relationships and marriages throughout the years that The Source Family was in existence.  People would enter the group married or in close, committed relationships only to have their relationships or marriages torn apart and destroyed due to the misguided, self-serving directives of Jim Baker/Father Yod, because he believed that an open, sexual environment where both men and women having multiple sexual partners was healthy and represented the New Age of Aquarius where he would continually assign women to be with and serve men other than their own spouses---to become an interloper in a man's already established relationship or marriage with another woman.  The women were expected to just accept and endure it and even be happy about it!  As I've stated before, Jim Baker was continually messing with the personal lives and relationships of everyone in the group believing that he was setting an example for the men how they should treat women, along with a more hands-off impersonal attitude towards their own children.  In my opinion, relationships that should have been sacrosanct and left alone.  Although Jim Baker's belief in himself and the other men having multiple women seemed to glaringly contradict his very own commandment that he penned in 1969 that read, "The Man and His Woman are One, let nothing separate them.'" Which begs the question, "Even another woman?"  This commandment was later changed to, "The Man and His Women are One, let nothing separate them."  Ha!  How convenient.  Although there are still a couple of women who still cherish their days spent as one of  Yahowha's women, but that is only because they were never able to deprogram or disabuse themselves enough to see that women were treated more like chattel in The Source Family than anything else.  Women were seen as only a resource or commodity by Father Yod to direct or place with those whom he valued most---the men.  Because, deep down Jim Baker was more an old school sexist who was more concerned about his sons ie the men and whether or not they had angels (women) to take care of them especially sexually, than with anything else.  So, the women in Jim Baker's Aquarian family were relegated to a servile, albeit protected status something which became a constant part of his rhetoric about how it was a man's duty to protect and provide for his woman and a woman's duty was to obey and serve a man. Of course, Jim Baker had to change the singular woman to the plural women to accommodate the bevy of women he began to accumulate around himself.  One man (one of Jim Baker's most favored) once described being in The Source Family like being in a candy store with all of the sexually available women that were at his disposal, because that was what Father Yod was all about moving around the women and placing them with various men as some sort of reward for their devotion to him it would seem.  Women saw their own spouses and husbands, and fathers of their own children get so caught up in following Father Yod's directive of men having multiple, sexual partners within the family that their only choice was to either accept another woman being insinuated into their relationship, leave or dissociate just to cope.  But, this was supposed to be the Aquarian way of life as taught by our earthly spiritual father.  More like Aquarian bullshit!  Many married couples who joined soon saw their marriages fall apart because of following Father Yod's derelict and irresponsible Aquarian moral directives.  Jim Baker believed that he was setting the bar or the standard for all the men in how to attract and hold on to women, which is why he was continually casting around within the family for new sexual conquest to show off his prowess and ability to attract women.  It was practically impossible for any marriage to survive while being in The Source Family under the sexual promiscuity encouraged and promoted by a man who believed that women were only attracted to the most constant and powerful of men and so the men were encouraged to acquire as many women around them as they possibly could and to treat all their women equally showing no preference or deference to any one woman.  Yet, that was exactly what Jim Baker continuously did: he showed preference for one woman.  That one woman began with Robin Baker, whom he married prior to the formation of The Source Family and soon devolved into being another whom he became sexually enamored.  So, Jim Baker had to quickly adjust and tailor the social mores within his spiritual group to where a man should have multiple women to serve him while not showing preferential treatment to any one woman in his harem.  We were all brainwashed into believing that being an Aquarian meant that we all belonged to one tribe where men would have multiple women to attend to their every need, and where any emotional bonds or attachments to any one individual such as a wife or husband were seen as being from the past Piscean Age, and something which I observed created varying degrees of physical and emotional abandonment and neglect that arose from being encouraged by Father Yod to dissolve or shun any prior commitment to anyone they were either married to or had children with.

An Invasion of Privacy

The entire 'source family' experience was a huge invasion of privacy.  From having every aspect of your personal life controlled and dictated to by one man and the 'council' of women who policed the entire group, to the past few years as one person took it upon themselves emboldened with their humongous sense of entitlement and delusional belief of their own status decided to write a book using the photographs and personal stories of the individuals who populated The Source Family, regardless of whether or not anyone approved or signed off on anything.  One woman who had been a long time member had her story published in that book, after categorically stating that she did not want to have her story published!  But, trespassing upon the personal boundaries of individuals was one of the signature features of life in The Source Family where any newbies joining 'the family' were converted into becoming steadfast 'followers' and worshipers of Father Yod, and where any woman was to view it as an honor and a privilege to be summoned to have sex with him, after all Father Yod was seen as the temporal, godlike, spiritual leader/father of the group, which I guess transferred some unseen power or authority over all of the women's bodies within his 'spiritual' group!  No one's personal space was respected within The Source Family and life was one big invasion of privacy after the next.  The childbirth of every woman became a group spectacle.  One woman who was in the throes of childbirth had one of the most controlling 'council' women barge in with a couple of complete strangers so they could 'witness' a 'natural, home' birth!  This was just one example of how the personal boundaries of each and every individual were trespassed upon.

Robin Baker started recording morning meditations or 'class' as it was called in the early days, but when another person also began recording Father Yod allowed it for awhile, but then one day he ordered that all recorded cassette tapes be thrown into the garbage, although after one person went dumpster diving to retrieve those cassette recordings he eventually acquiesced and indulged people recording.  But, the same woman who went dumpster diving decided to publish/release hours upon hours of recordings calling them a 'meditation tape' series in another of her efforts to profit off either Jim Baker or The Source Family in anyway she can.  But those tapes don't just contain the voice of Father Yod imparting his particular brand of wisdom---they also contain the dialogue and conversations between him and other 'family' members at the time, something which I see as a continued invasion of privacy.  The majority of people who populated The Source Family for years who now regret that experience and are embarrassed by it all, and who want no association with it anymore may not want to have their voices and their conversations published for public consumption.  But, that does not make one iota of difference to the one person obsessed with commandeering every aspect of not only Jim Baker's life, but the lives of each and every person who joined The Source Family over forty years ago.  Also, who do you think profits off the sales of those 'meditation tapes', Jim Baker's children?  I don't think so.  But again, that makes no difference whatsoever to the one person who continues to sell and profit off 'source family' merchandise.  But, certainly nobody signed any kind of release or waiver of any kind, because again it is just one person's gargantuan sense of entitlement to take and use/sell something that happened over forty years ago during 'the source family' to use for their own self promotion.  After all who is pictured on the cover of the 'meditation tape' series?  One person was constantly invading even Jim Baker's personal space and would never allow him to have a moment to himself---someone who continually would insinuate herself into every single moment the man tried to be alone and someone who was constantly pushing and shoving her way into the personal space of absolutely everyone who comprised The Source Family and is something that continues unabated.

Just within the last couple of years, an email letter writing campaign was waged (I was asked to participate) to stop/block the publication of the series of naked 'tarot card' photos that Father Yod wanted taken, during the height of his 'sex magic' fervor and is something that the two people leading the charge of 'all things source for sale' have no qualms about publishing, regardless of what the person/the woman who posed for those photos with Jim Baker wanted all these years later.  The only concession the two would make was that they would wait until 'the woman was deceased' and then they would publish the naked tarot card photos of her, but there is always hope the latter happens to those two first and those embarrassing naked photos that were taken back at The Father House in 1973 are not put out on public display just to satisfy the insatiable need of one person to profit off absolutely anything having to do with the long dead Source Family.

Because life in the family was supposed to be one of impersonal nonattachment, the needs and voice of the individual were subverted by that of the whole.  God forbid you were to disagree with any of Father Yod's directives, because everyone in 'the family' were expected to be positive to whatever directives were passed down from our illustrious, spiritual leader, Yahowha.  If you did express your disagreement or displeasure with anything that went on in 'the family', then you were automatically labeled as being 'negative' or 'out of your center' and so people in the family were not supposed to express themselves except with a smiling countenance feigning some sort of enlightened state passive-aggressively using phrases like, "I'm just a reflection of you."  Because becoming angry or expressing yourself in any way other than with a smiling, benign countenance was seen as the worst offense.  So, many adopted a phony smiling countenance in order to give the appearance of having achieved an 'enlightened' state---a feigned countenance that many supposedly 'enlightened' self-help and 'spiritual' gurus seem to share.  A pious, smiling insincerity accompanied by flowery new agey speech infused with positivity statements and affirmations became the 'standard' mien of all new agers and self-help gurus around and became the standard within The Source Family in order to appear 'enlightened' and so a 'herd mentality' veiled in spiritual attainment ensued within The Source Family with the belief that we were all of 'one mind' which has made it that much easier for one person to exploit the entire experience by trying to present a unified front of former 'source family' members as still being of 'one mind' and by constantly referring to 'we'.  One person in particular refers to themselves as one of the 'the old guard' in order to portray themselves as some sort of 'spiritual' pathfinder leading the way for a younger generation.

Also, on some of the so-called 'meditation tapes' were several song recordings of my son's deceased father, Tim Garon, which the person publishing the tapes would not even allow me to have a copy, until I launched an open, public opinion campaign involving other former family members to pressure that person to allow me to have a copy of Tim's songs for myself and our son.  The woman's argument who was holding the tapes was that she was afraid that I would 'do something'/release those songs/recordings without her involvement.  Yet, that is exactly what she did----she released songs/music without the permission or involvement of the songwriters or their heirs.  This person did not want me to have copies of subpar recordings of my son's father, because she was worried that I might release or publish those songs and leave her out.  Eventually though with pressure and a show of support from other former family members, the woman acquiesced and allowed me to have a copy of the songs, but I've no doubt this person is still clinging to/holding on to other cassette tapes which contain other songs of Tim Garon.

But, it all goes back to the same familiarity and sense of ownership or entitlement that some people from The Source Family continue to exhibit which is a hangover from 'the family' daze.  But, I refuse to be joined at the hip to anyone who was in The Source Family.  I feel no allegiance to anyone who populated 'the source family' and refuse to feign some kind of quasi-family connection with anyone who claims to be a 'source family' member, or especially be held hostage by anyone who feels they have some claim or ownership to either my son's father's music or photographs of me or my son or his father, just because one person was indulged by Father Yod and allowed to confiscate photographs and personal items of individual's who shared space over forty years ago in The Source Family.

The same creepy familiarity that was bred during 'the family' that we were 'all one' and that nobody should be attached to anything that happened is something that continues to this day, and a belief that everything belonged to the group or the whole and is a false and delusional belief exploited by a couple of former members to continue marketing and sell 'source family' branded merchandise---whether or not the sale of that merchandise transgresses the privacy of others.  Although, as I have stated before; I do feel that because many people were taking photographs and videos during the six years 'the family' existed that those photographs that were ordered by Father Yod to be kept in a centralized location, should have rightfully been made available to anyone who was in The Source Family---especially those who have lost their children, spouses or parents rather than being taken and used/published in order to promote and enrich only one person.

What I also see as another invasion of privacy, is the continued obsessive-compulsive behavior of one individual to try and locate information on any individual (many deceased) who may have had only a brief, passing interaction or involvement with either Jim Baker or The Source Family.  There is something really creepy about continually trying to attach people to The Source Family even after they're dead.  Yet, this wanting to locate personal information about other people's deceased family members only to satisfy one person's obsession with attaching that person to The Source Family is something that continues to happen.  It reminds me of how The Church of Latter Day Saints 'baptizes' deceased persons who were not church members into the LDS church.  By incessantly trying to gain or gather the personal information about anyone even remotely connected with The Source Family or who may have had any kind of interaction with Jim Baker is just another invasion of privacy, although on a much creepier level.  This invasion of privacy has been something that has been going on for a very long time.  Nobody who joined The Source Family were allowed to keep their own possessions---anything of value like automobiles or cameras/musical equipment were taken/confiscated and either sold or utilized by someone else within 'the family.'  One man who joined 'the family' for a brief time had his guitar confiscated and used, but when that man decided to leave was never allowed to regain possession of his guitar!  That kind of appropriation of people's possessions went on all of the time and it goes back to a deluded, airy-fairy spiritualized belief within The Source Family that no one should be attached to 'material' things, which for the more greedy or manipulative meant more for their taking and exploiting.

The Internment Camp of Makawao

I thought that I would take a stroll down memory lane to the time when all of the pregnant women and women/mothers with small children were shipped off to live on what was a parcel of land located in the rural area of Makawao, Maui.  To some, being sent to Maui might sound like an envious vaca, but in this case it became only a test of endurance and fortitude for the women who were essentially (temporarily) banished by Father Yod from The Father House in Los Angeles in 1974, after a woman (going against his edict) took her infant daughter to a local emergency room for a serious, life-threatening staph infection that might have prompted an investigation by the health department or family services; and so Jim Baker/Father Yod believed that he was protecting the integrity of 'the family' by sending away all of the women with small children and the pregnant women from the house located in Nichols Canyon, with the exception of course of any woman pregnant with his child.  After all, he did not want to risk or jeopardize his precious 'family' being scrutinized by local, public officials who could have disrupted life in The Source Family at the overcrowded compound in LA.  So, a 'son' was dispatched to Hawaii to find something rural enough to remain 'under the radar' of local officials which ended up being a parcel of land with only adjacent cow pastures located in the countryside of Makawao, Maui.

I was pregnant at the time and so I was among those evacuated to live on this parcel of land.  But, there were no trips to the beach to enjoy the surf and sand, in fact none of us ever went to the beach!  Instead, we were all dropped off on the land with one ramshackle dwelling and one covered open area that served as a kitchen---a kitchen that seldom saw food; especially food stuffs for children like milk, cheese, bread, eggs, cereal or vegetables.  I could go on and on, because NONE of those foods were made available to anyone who was sent to that place---a place also with no indoor plumbing or any hot and cold running water.

For most of my time spent on 'the land' in Makawao, I slept in a small tent on the ground during the rainy season all while being enormously pregnant, but what made those conditions so much worse was the fact that the only source of food that any of us had especially for the small children, was whatever could be found or picked by the two men ie sons who had been sent along as 'pickers' for the group.  So, while Father Yod and the remaining 'family' members remained behind in Los Angeles enjoying more room at The Father House and a bounty of food; the mother's with small children were forced to endure extremely harsh near-starvation conditions!  Mothers with their young children were placed in an extremely stressful situation where they were not sure where their child's next meal would come from!  Just so that Father Yod could remain behind in Los Angeles and feel more secure ensconced in his comfy surroundings surrounded by a bevy of his women, while he lived out his rock star fantasy being lead singer/frontman for Yahowa 13.

There were many days that the only food that the 'pickers' could find was pineapple or breadfruit---something which had to be thrown into an open fire until burnt/charcoaled on the outside then cut open to be eaten, but forget about having any butter or seasoning for that!  So, most days at the encampment were mothers waiting in anxious anticipation for whatever the 'sons' could find or pick/scavenge to bring back for their children to eat.  So, it's all bull being thrown around to the media about what an 'ideal' or 'aquarian' or 'healthy lifestyle' that The Source Family was supposed to represent, because anyone spreading that kind of hyperbole didn't have to endure the conditions on Makawao and were probably among those who were allowed to remain behind in Los Angeles with hot water and plenty of food to eat.  No matter how cramped and unhealthy conditions might have been at The Father House; they were far better than the conditions that the children were forced to live on Makawao.  Why is it that women and children always seem to the sacrificial lambs when some religious zealous guru or leader wants to live out his utopian fantasies?  It seems that the most vulnerable like small children and women who care for those young children and nursing mothers become the most expendable and casualties in any kind of cult situation where a religious belief system comes into play---especially ones based on erroneous and deluded magical thinking.

There is absolutely no reason why children had to go without food while in The Source Family, or why any child had to suffer ever----why one child (now an adult) is now deaf in one ear, or why others still bear the scars from their untreated staph infections, or why some were allowed to suffer and die receiving no medical treatment or intervention of any kind.  Anyway, back to Makawao where  the women with small children were essentially dropped off and left to 'get by' without money or transportation or being allowed to go into town, and where being cutoff with very little in the way of nutritious food or money it soon became an intolerable situation.  Escaping/sneaking into a nearby town just to find something to eat became the desire of everyone who was forced to live in that camp.  In order to deal with the lack of food and the stress from having been removed and cut-off from the rest of the group who remained behind in Los Angeles; many of us at the camp began scouring the adjacent cow pastures looking for 'magic mushrooms' in the hopes of finding some kind of mental relief or escape from the circumstances that we had all been placed.  One of the only food stuffs that we had in the camp were some wheat berries that had been sent along, but had to be soaked overnight to be edible; which to my embarrassment I ate a batch one morning that had been intended for the children's breakfast!  But, I was pregnant and felt hungry most of the time.  There was also an outbreak of scabies in the camp which also added to the awful conditions.  There was a nearby waterfall where some of the women walked to find some relief and enjoyment, but was soon deemed 'off limits' by one of the more controlling 'council' women who had also been sent along for having a young child who felt that the women might become the 'object of sexual desire' by local men, and so she tried to block the women from even going to the waterfall!  No kidding---the fear of the women in the family arousing the sexual animal nature in men outside The Source Family was seen as a real threat!  Yet, it was perfectly ok for Father Yod to exhibit sexually predatory behavior within the pool of women who comprised his 'spiritual' family, but God forbid any of the women be subjected to the sexual looks, stares or vibes of any man outside the group!  This was the kind of deluded and often fear-based thinking that thrived within The Source Family that all of the women needed to be protected from the sexual predatory behavior of men outside of 'the family' to such an extreme that women became fearful of having any interaction with any man outside the group!

I was finally able to escape the camp when my son's father, Tim Garon came over from Los Angeles to check on me and I left with him, after we either chose to leave or were kicked out (I don't recall), but it didn't really matter because I just wanted to escape the conditions of that camp.  So, Tim and I left for Oahu where he was able to find gigs singing and playing in local bars, because Tim was very streetwise and resourceful and had the ability to provide for us, as soon as we got to Honolulu.  Looking back, I truly wish that Tim and I had been able to extricate ourselves from our involvement in The Source Family at that point, because it had become an extremely stressful and harrowing experience for both of us, but it can be very difficult to leave a cult situation after you've spent years in it becoming convinced that something harmful might befall you, if you left the group and was something that Jim Baker/Father Yod continually and consistently said would happen to anyone who left the 'family.'

When you sit day in and day out in a meditative state listening to the words of only one man, along with repetitiously chanting his name, while trying to emulate and copy that man even worshipping the very ground that he walked----where you're implored to give up or surrender your personal power to that one man, because he's convinced you that he's your 'spiritual father' and that he only wants what's best for you; then you have become indoctrinated or brainwashed whatever you choose to call it.  Which is why people who find themselves in cult situations choose to remain in the cult believing the 'outside' world poses the threat and that only by remaining in the confines of the group or cult will they find safety and security which was exactly what many of us came to believe, while we were in The Source Family.  It also made it even harder to leave, because many of us had formed relationships and connections with other 'family' members, because extreme circumstances will often bind people together who try and endure whatever hardships occur; where people do not want to leave behind their spouses, children or friends and so many remained for that reason, until The Source Family cult finally ended.  But, it was not surprising that several people after The Source Family joined Scientology or JZ Knight as she channeled Ramtha a 35,000 year old Lemurian warrior and other quasi-spiritual communal situations where there was only one 'strongman' leader like Jim Baker, who told us that he had reincarnated from Atlantis and had returned to gather his children.  Yeah, right.

I Will Concede One Thing

Not that it really matters, but I will concede that the very early days in The Brotherhood of The Source were the best and even referred to as 'Camelot' days by a few of us when everything was still new and exciting when people were feeling happy and ebullient and there was plenty of room in the living arrangements and an equipoise of status was felt among everyone.  That was early on when there was enough for everyone equally and when Jim Baker behaved more like a welcoming and caring father figure, rather than the bombastic, grandstanding, egocentric womanizer that many like me who spent years in the group saw that he became watching his ego grow day by day, as more and more were attracted to the outward appearance of the group.  But, where the entire dynamic of the group devolved into following Father Yod's edicts and emulating him in speech, dress and behavior and seeing him as god incarnate. 

It was at what was called The Father House that Jim Baker, on the suggestion made by one of the women who surrounded him, that he formed 'the council' that was comprised of only women he called 'his women', and so Jim Baker enlisted 'the council' with the job of running and controlling everything that went on within The Source Family enforcing rules and directives either devised among themselves or taken directly from Father Yod.  Otherwise, daily life in The Source Family revolved completely around our 'earthly spiritual father', Jim Baker and sitting in front of him every single day while he supposedly exuded wisdom and 'channeled' the word of God, but where it was necessary for him to puff up his follower's egos, in order for them to remain loyal to him; by telling everyone they were the 'forerunners' of a new age and how they were separate from the rest of humanity and how they alone would lead mankind out of the darkness and into the 'Aquarian Age' ad nauseam.  So, it was that kind of loyal, obedient and devoted followers that Jim Baker wanted to attract into his 'family' more than anything.  It was not surprising when women began insinuating themselves into becoming one of Father Yod's 'women' in order to gain a sense of status, along with having any added niceties and perks which being one of 'Yahowha's women' afforded them.  One woman ingratiated herself into becoming one of 'Yahowha's women' (which meant having sex with Jim Baker) so that she could not only have nicer clothing, hats and accessories, and travel abroad with him, but so she could have access to the group's finances, before she left absconding with thousands of dollars.  

The Source Family attracted all kinds of bizarre personalities from an endless parade of spectators to some who were just looking for a 'free' place to land that joining The Source Family offered to anyone even feigning an interest in the 'teachings' being extolled by Jim Baker, because attracting new members to his group was of the utmost importance to him; especially attracting women and anyone who appeared to have money or some kind of celebrity status.  There were also day-trippers--people who would show up and spend a day or two and then leave, as well as a few dilettante members---people who continued to maintain their own lives and bank accounts outside of the group and who were not at the mercy of whatever handouts or allotments were doled out to the more dependent members.  But, the ego boost that some women got by their becoming one of 'Yahowha's women' translated into them seeing themselves as having been 'chosen' and elevated above the rest of the 'family' members, but it also translated into them having more material comforts and benefits they believed their 'special' status warranted like when one 'council' woman commandeered a woman's credit card to shop for new dresses at I. Magnin meant only for herself and the rest of 'Yahowha's women'.  I know, boo hoo, because I never had one of those dresses from I. Magnin, but that was the kind of disparity that was created around Father Yod and 'his women.' 

Jim Baker was constantly exhibiting favoritism where some people were allowed more than their fair share, while the rest of the family members simply 'got by' with whatever they could scrounge or find, because of the class system that grew out of the superior self-interest of some of the women (and men) who clamored around Yahowha.  The last thing that I ever cared about was showing deference or respect to any of the 'council' women; because of the selfish and self-serving behavior of some; behavior that I observed and wanted nothing to do with.  But then, I had joined when Jim Baker had only one woman his wife, Robin, before he started his accumulation and impregnation of other women----women whom I refused to see as being worthy of either my respect or obedience just because they were having sex with Jim Baker!  It was as though everyone were sitting on the edge of their seats waiting to see which woman would be added to Father Yod's increasing stable of women!  Father Yod's addition of another woman to be labeled 'one of his women' was a diversion, in an otherwise boring and enervated existence where daily life consisted of the continued pandering and worshipful obedience to Father Yod.  

When Jim Baker created ' the council' comprised of 'his women' to run the daily affairs of 'the family', he created a competition among some of the women.  The more controlling women became his lieutenants marching around carrying out his orders wielding their newfound sense of power and position.  That was when the entire dynamic of The Source Family changed and became more like a fiefdom with a ruling class, rather than the carefree, joyful brotherhood experience which people initially felt and shared at the very beginning of the group.  The few who wanted power and control turned what was once a happy state of equal coexistence among 'family' members into a travail of 'fear and loathing' trying to avoid being called before 'the council' for some infraction!  Other former family members have jokingly shared with me the various ways they used to avoid the more controlling 'council' women and their disapproval or reproval.  But, that was the atmosphere created around 'Yahowha' and his women, and there were many people who were victimized by a few of the more aggressive 'council' women. 

Showing respect along with humble obedience and catering to the personal needs waiting on Yahowha's designated 'special' female companion 'mother/angel' was just one example of the many types of servile behavior cultivated in The Source Family.  Any new women deemed as 'angels' were conscripted into waiting on Yahowha's women and providing childcare for his babies, in order to free up 'his women' to allow them to sit in his presence.  Seriously, that was the extent of pandering servile behavior encouraged and rewarded of many who joined The Source Family, especially in the latter days, after the entire group relocated to Hawaii where it grew exponentially worse.

The Source Family produced some tremendous spiritual egos in people who still believe their sole purpose in life is to spread Father Yod's 'teachings' to the rest of the world and who exhibit imperious and condescending attitudes towards anyone who challenges their misplaced beliefs that they're doing 'the great work' of Yahowha.  But, yes; I will concede that there were some happy, carefree short-lived days of repose in the early part of The Brotherhood of The Source.  I look at the expression on my face in photographs from those early days at The Mother House where I can still be seen smiling, to the days at The Atherton Mansion in San Francisco where my smile was replaced with a more somber ambivalent expression of someone who had found themselves trapped in a cult unable to extricate themselves where daily life had become one long test of endurance with the loss of personal autonomy that was replaced with only the daily chanting, breathing exercises and repetition of magical sayings and incantations beseeching invisible forces to convey power and knowledge which only fed the continuing group bubble of delusion that everyone in The Source Family were becoming 'saints' and 'saviors' heralding in the Age of Aquarius---all the while quality of life within the group deteriorated.  

Yet, all that magical thinking and ceremonial magic did was to reinforce more and more magical and delusional thinking which did provide degrees of mental succor to endure the worsening living conditions; it just didn't change anything!  But there was literally not enough food to eat at times, after the majority of people were shipped to Hawaii at both the Hilo Doc Hill mansion and also at the Hilo country club where I can remember locking myself with my infant son in an empty room above the garage just so that he could safely crawl around next to me so that I could rest suffering from might have been a mild case of hep A, because of the extreme fatigue that I was experiencing--- alternating between that and wandering into the kitchen area to see if there was any food to eat---food that had become very scarce. 

But, not everyone suffered during those times.  A few of the men could escape into town during the day to pursue 'family' business enterprises where they could at least be afforded something to eat for themselves to be secretly shared with others.  Because escaping or sneaking off to find food became very prevalent within The Source Family.  Once a woman was 'busted' and called before 'the council', after she received some money in the mail from her 'real' family and went into town with a couple of other women where they bought dates and cheese.  The same woman recounted years later how when she went into the health food store surreptitiously to buy dates and cheese; there were a couple 'council women' who were in the store buying food for themselves.  Because at that point, especially while in Hilo; life in The Source Family had become dire.  

So, for anyone who has vicariously joined The Source Family and been given an honorary 'Aquarian' name and who are now extolling the virtues and benefits of being in 'the family' believing it to have been a wonderfully magical time, and the epitome of New Age healthy, alternative communal or group living or Jim Baker to have been an avatar for New Age----those people have no idea what they're talking about.  Because aside from its very earliest beginnings, life in The Source Family became disparate, dysfunctional and desperate.  All of which is why it is very hard for me to concede the experience being much more than the restrictive, isolating and debilitating cult situation that it became, and I also refuse to leave my son with a false image of what life was really like in The Source Family.

Divine Purpose

To me, if there is a 'divine purpose' in life; I believe it would be to save lives....especially the lives of babies and children who are helpless when they enter the world and who are at the mercy of their parents or caregivers to keep them fed, warm and safe---people who would hopefully make the right decisions when it came to their children's health and well-being most of all in a life and death situation. But that didn't happen for all infants in The Source Family, because it became more important to adhere to and follow Jim Baker's beliefs that he imposed on his followers in shunning the use of Western medicine opting for a more 'new agey' or 'faith-based' approach that modern medicine hampers the body's ability to heal itself and would interfere with the 'soul' with a blood transfusion, and an even more harmful and detrimental belief that any infant or child who developed a life-threatening health issue was its own 'karma' in life, and was 'meant to be' and that if that child died, it would be calmly viewed as that soul's release. That is exactly the kind of faulty and detrimental belief system that was part of the 'teachings' of Jim Baker/Father Yod that a few are so determined to 'spread' around the globe.  It is my feeling that when religious zealotry and 'new age' beliefs based on only faith healing or the 'soul's karma' deciding one's fate and supersedes everything else jeopardizing the health, well-being and lives of helpless children and infants; than something is fundamentally wrong with that belief system.

Yet, 'playing God' with his followers lives is exactly what Father Yod did.  Which is why I cannot understand why anyone can profess the man to have been either wise or holy, because he believed that medical treatment would hinder rather than heal, and so using modern medical procedures was discouraged by our 'earthly spiritual father' to such a degree that he included it in his 'ten commandments for the age of aquarius.'  So, any family member who went against one of Father Yod's commandments was seen as being a 'non-believer' or being 'ye of little faith' or being negative towards our illustrious spiritual leader; who wanted everyone to calmly accept the deaths of infants because he believed we should all live in an imaginary 'garden of eden' existence similar to that in biblical times cut off from the rest of society shunning the use of modern medicine. 

A couple of other babies also didn't survive The Source Family -- one woman who lost her baby during childbirth might have been prevented with some prenatal care, where another woman's unborn child did not survive after her receiving an electrical shock from a coffeemaker, but who knows perhaps medical intervention of some kind may have saved her baby's life.  I don't believe there is one parent reading this who would not sacrifice themselves in order to save the life of their child, yet normal and healthy reactions and responses in life and death situations within The Source Family were muted and subdued and replaced with compliance to the groupthink that flourished that nobody use medical help of any kind.  I saw men and women become emotionally impoverished in The Source Family feeling helpless and powerless, due to many of what I considered to be harmful edicts of Father Yod.  Which is why the few who are desperately trying to spread the 'teachings' of Father Yod to have the general public accept him as being worthy of sainthood or as being some kind of cultural hero are determined to dismiss, deny or ignore and explain away the deaths of infants using scripted phrases like, 'it was the soul's journey not to remain for long in this earthly existence' or 'it was their time' or 'it was meant to be', or any of the other inane and countless ways to hide or explain away the fact that babies who were in dire need of medical help were denied their chance at a happy and healthy life, as my son and many other babies went on to have who were able to survive The Source Family.

The refusal to use any modern medicine or medical procedures was simply because one religious zealot believed at the time that using modern medicine was more harmful then using whatever means possible to preserve human life--medical treatment that we are so lucky to have in our pampered Western lives.  If Jim Baker had chosen to seek medical help himself, after plummeting from the sky in a hang glider rather than choosing to just lay there and die, he might have survived to watch his own children grow, but instead he became a victim/casualty of his own beliefs.  Oh, but by all means let's try and spread around and perpetuate Father Yod's example of how to die: that 'it's God's will so let's all just stand around and do nothing' apathetic belief.

There are women with babies and children in poor countries all around the world who are facing sickness, disease and death who would give anything to have the medical facilities that are so readily available to us in our Western culture, and yet there are many 'new agers' who risk their own children's health and well-being by completely shunning modern medicine replacing it with only wishful thinking and herbal salves alone.  But, sitting there and doing nothing because of some deluded belief or fear that modern medicine is something to be feared and entirely avoided is really stupid and careless in my mind.  For me, there is just no way to attach any kind of spiritual meaning or purpose to the deaths of two babies who never received any kind of medical intervention which might have saved their tiny lives.  Like other former 'source family' members, initially when the whitewashed and sanitized book of one former member was released and then the consequent film that was made based on that book came out; I tried to get on the bandwagon and engaged other former family members sharing our thoughts and memories from that experience commiserating over the deprivations and hardships that many of us experienced where I kept hearing more and more sad, heartbreaking and heartwrenching stories of personal loss and residual emotional and physical damage that being in 'the source family' had in their lives---to the point that I found I could no longer pretend or feign that it was all some wonderful paradise on earth or that I held any kind of respect or reverence for Jim Baker.

If you saw your own child lying there screaming and crying wouldn't you do everything in your power out of sheer desperation to save your child's life and either rush them to the emergency room or call an ambulance, or would you just sit there and watch them suffer believing that it was 'God's will' and that medical intervention was far worse for their soul's journey and that their possible death would be seen as a 'liberation' of their soul, because that is exactly what Jim Baker was able to convince the members of his 'cult of personality' (his personality) was the 'Aquarian' way and using modern Western medicine went against one of his 'Aquarian' commandments. So, I urge people to think about what I have just written and then consider if going along with the promotion of 'Father Yod and The Source Family' is still worthy of the hyper-inflated media coverage of the group being 'the darlings of the Sunset Strip.'  I especially urge any former family members who might be reading this blog, to really think about and consider what you are doing by showing support or encouragement in the continued promotion of 'Father Yod/Yahowha' or The Source Family as being exemplary examples of some kind of 'new age' healthy lifestyle, when babies were allowed to suffer and die under the direction and guidance of a man who lost perspective about what really mattered in order to maintain the illusion of being an 'earthly spiritual father' and having his 'Aquarian' directives followed and obeyed.

Using the excuse, 'Well, that was just what happened in that time frame' in order for some to mentally distance themselves from all of the misguided and harmful things that took place in the Source Family is the attitude that some have adopted, but forty years really does not change things enough to dismiss or overlook them simply by assigning them to the seventies.  Which is why I encourage former members to please stop and consider what they are doing by continuing to show their support and belief in the 'teachings' of Jim Baker, because they are sending a message to their own children and grandchildren that infant deaths were acceptable, along with the other unhealthy practices that were a result of following him. 

Would you really want your own children to join a 'Source Family' and surrender themselves to a man like Jim Baker and participate and obey his every command, even if that command might result in the death of their own child?  I don't think so; so why do you continue to feign that the 'Source Family' still exists, and bolster up/show support for the small handful of people who only want to profit from the story for their own self promotion, and who continue to pander to the interests of others who want to profit off either the music or the story?

The Source Family was a failure and ended for a reason---not to be resuscitated 40+ years later, dusted off and have a new spin put on all of it in order to gather and gain new followers or believers in Father Yod, and that former members like me are seen as 'airing dirty laundry' rather than exposing the tragic circumstances that were the result of following a cult leader's derelict and irresponsible belief system. The Source Family failed and thankfully ended, because a cult formed around the personality of Jim Baker, whose belief system impoverished people from responding and behaving in rational, healthy ways.