Tuesday, February 23, 2016

The Internment Camp of Makawao

I thought that I would take a stroll down memory lane to the time when all of the pregnant women and women/mothers with small children were shipped off to live on what was a parcel of land located in the rural area of Makawao, Maui.  To some, being sent to Maui might sound like an envious vaca; but in this case it became only a test of endurance and fortitude for the women who were essentially (temporarily) banished by Father Yod from The Father House in Los Angeles in 1974, after a woman (going against his edict) took her infant daughter to a local emergency room for a serious staph infection that might have prompted an investigation by the health department or family services; so Jim Baker/Father Yod believed that he was protecting the integrity of 'the family' by sending away all of the women with small children and the pregnant women from the house located in Nichols Canyon, with the exception of course of any woman pregnant with his child.  After all; he did not want to risk or jeopardize his precious 'family' being scrutinized by local, public officials who could have disrupted life in The Source Family at the overcrowded compound in LA.  So, a 'son' was dispatched to Hawaii to find something rural enough to remain 'under the radar' of local officials; which ended up being a parcel of land with only adjacent cow pastures located in the countryside of Makawao, Maui.  I was pregnant at the time and so I was among those evacuated to live on this parcel of land.  But, there were no trips to the beach to enjoy the surf and sand; in fact none of us ever went to the beach!  Instead, we were all dropped off on the land with one ramshackle dwelling and one covered open area that served as a kitchen; a kitchen that seldom saw food; especially food stuffs for children like milk, cheese, bread, eggs, cereal or vegetables.....I could go on and on, because NONE of those foods were made available to anyone who was sent to this place; a place also with no indoor plumbing or any hot and cold running water.  For most of my time spent on 'the land' in Makawao, I slept in a small tent on the ground during the rainy season all while being enormously pregnant; but what made those conditions so much worse was the fact that the only source of food that any of us had especially for the small children, was whatever could be found or picked by the two men (sons) who had been sent along as 'pickers' for the group.  So, while Father Yod and the remaining 'family' members remained behind in Los Angeles enjoying more room at The Father House and a bounty of food; the mother's with small children were forced to endure extremely harsh near-starvation conditions!  Mothers with their young children were placed in an extremely stressful situation where they were not sure where their child's next meal would come from!  Just so that Father Yod could remain behind in Los Angeles and feel more secure ensconced in his comfy surroundings still surrounded by a bevy of his women, while he lived out his rock star fantasy being lead singer/frontman for Yahowa 13.  There were many days that the only food that the 'pickers' could find was only pineapple or breadfruit, something which had to be thrown into an open fire until burnt/charcoaled on the outside then cut open to be eaten, but forget about having any butter or seasoning for that!  So, most days at the encampment were mothers waiting in anxious anticipation for whatever the 'sons' could find or pick/scavenge to bring back for their children to eat.  So, it's all bull being thrown around to the media about an 'ideal' or 'aquarian' or 'healthy lifestyle' that The Source Family was supposed to represent, because anyone spreading that kind of hyperbole didn't have to endure the conditions on Makawao and were probably among those who were allowed to remain behind in Los Angeles with hot water and plenty of food to eat.  No matter how cramped and unhealthy conditions might have been at The Father House; they were far better than the conditions that the children were forced to live on Makawao.  Why is it that women and children always seem to the sacrificial lambs when some religious zealous guru or leader wants to live out his utopian fantasies?  It seems that the most vulnerable like small children and women who care for those young children and nursing mothers become the most expendable and casualties in any kind of cult situation where a religious belief system comes into play; especially ones based on erroneous and deluded thinking.  There is absolutely no reason why children had to go without food while in The Source Family, or why any child had to suffer ever; why one child (now an adult) is now deaf in one ear, or why others still bear the scars from their untreated staph infections, or why some were allowed to suffer and die with no medical treatment or intervention of any kind.  So, anyway back to Makawao:  the women with small children were essentially dropped off and left to 'get by' without money or transportation or being allowed to go into town; so cutoff with very little in the way of nutritious food or money it soon became an intolerable situation.  Escaping/sneaking into a nearby town just to find something to eat became the desire of everyone who was forced to live in that camp.  In order to deal with the lack of food and the stress from having been removed and cut-off from the rest of the group who remained behind in Los Angeles; many of us at the camp began scouring the adjacent cow pastures looking for 'magic mushrooms' in the hopes of finding some kind of mental relief or escape from the circumstances that we had all been placed.  One of the only food stuffs that we had in the camp were some wheat berries that had been sent along, but had to be soaked overnight to be edible; which to my embarrassment I ate a batch one morning that had been intended for the children's breakfast!  But, I was pregnant and felt hungry most of the time.  There was also an outbreak of scabies in the camp which also added to the awful conditions.  There was a nearby waterfall where some of the women walked to find some relief and enjoyment; but was soon deemed 'off limits' by one of the more controlling 'council' women who had also been sent along for having a young child; who felt that the women might become the 'object of sexual desire' by local men; and so she tried to block the women from even going to the waterfall!  No kidding; the fear of the women in the family arousing the sexual animal nature in men outside The Source Family was seen as a real threat!  Yet, it was perfectly ok for Father Yod to exhibit sexually predatory behavior within the pool of women who comprised his 'spiritual' family; but God forbid any of the women be subjected to the 'sexual' looks, stares or vibes of any man outside the group!  This was the kind of deluded and often fear-based thinking that thrived within The Source Family that all of the women needed to be protected from the sexual predatory behavior of men outside of 'the family' to such an extreme that women became fearful of having any interaction with any man outside the group!  I was finally able to escape the camp when my son's father, Tim Garon came over from Los Angeles to check on me and I left with him, after we either chose to leave or were kicked out (I don't recall); but it didn't really matter because I just wanted to escape the conditions of that camp.  So, Tim and I left for Oahu where he was able to find gigs singing and playing in local bars, because Tim was very streetwise and resourceful and had the ability to provide for us, as soon as we got to Honolulu.  Looking back, I truly wish that Tim and I had been able to extricate ourselves from our involvement in The Source Family at that point, because it had become an extremely stressful and harrowing experience for both of us; but it can be very difficult to leave a cult situation after you've spent years in it becoming convinced that something harmful might befall you, if you left the group; as this was something that Jim Baker/Father Yod continually and consistently said would happen to anyone who left the 'family.'  When you sit day in and day out in a meditative state listening to only the words of one man, along with repetitiously chanting his name, trying to emulate and copy that man even worshipping the very ground that he walked where you're implored to give up or surrender your personal power to that one man, because he's convinced you that he's your 'spiritual father' and that he only wants what's best for you; then you have become indoctrinated or brainwashed whatever you choose to call it.  Which is why people who find themselves in cult situations choose to remain in the cult believing the 'outside' world poses the threat and that only by remaining in the confines of the group or cult will they find safety and security; that was exactly what many of us came to believe, while we were in The Source Family.  It also made it even harder to leave since many of us had formed relationships and connections with other 'family' members, because extreme circumstances will often bind people together who try and endure whatever hardships occur while being in the group; people did not want to leave behind their spouses or children or friends so many remained for that reason, until The Source Family cult finally ended.  But, it was not surprising that several people after The Source Family joined Scientology or JZ Knight as she channeled Ramtha a 35,000 year old Lemurian warrior and other quasi-spiritual communal situations where there was only one 'strongman' leader like Jim Baker, who told us that he had reincarnated from Atlantis and had returned to gather his children.  Yeah, right.

Saturday, February 13, 2016

I Will Concede One Thing

Not that it really matters, but I will concede that the very early days in The Brotherhood of The Source were the best; referred to as 'camelot' days by a few when everything was still new and exciting where people were feeling happy and ebullient and there was plenty of room in the living arrangements and an equipoise of status was felt among its members where there was enough for everyone equally; when Jim Baker behaved more like a welcoming and caring father figure, rather than the bombastic, grandstanding, egocentric womanizer that many like me who spent years in the group saw that he became watching his ego grow day by day, as more and more were attracted to the outward appearance of the group; but where the entire dynamic of the group devolved into following Father Yod's edicts emulating him in speech, dress and behavior seeing him as god incarnate. It was at what was called The Father House that Jim Baker, on the suggestion made by one of the women who surrounded him; he formed the 'council' made up of the women he surrounded himself whom he enlisted with the job of running and controlling 'the family' enforcing rules and directives either devised among themselves or taken directly from Father Yod.  Otherwise, daily life in The Source Family revolved completely around our 'earthly spiritual father' Jim Baker and sitting in front of him every single day while he supposedly exuded wisdom and 'channeled' the word of God, but where it was necessary for him to puff up his follower's egos, in order for them to remain loyal to him; by telling them they were the 'forerunners' of a new age and how they were separate from the rest of humanity, and how they alone would lead mankind out of the darkness and into the 'aquarian age' ad nauseam.  It was that kind of loyal, committed and devote followers that Jim Baker wanted to attract into his 'family' more than anything.  So, it was not surprising when women began insinuating themselves into becoming one of his 'women' in order to gain a sense of status within 'the family', along with the added niceties and perks which being one of 'Yahowha's women' afforded them.  One woman ingratiated herself into becoming one of 'Yahowha's women' so that she could not only have nicer clothing, hats and accessories, but so she could have access to the group's finances, before she left absconding with thousands of dollars.  But, The Source Family attracted all kinds of bizarre personalities, from an endless parade of spectators to some who were just looking for a 'free' place to land that joining The Source Family offered to anyone even feigning an interest in the 'teachings' being extolled by Jim Baker, because attracting new members to his group was of the utmost importance to him; especially attracting women and anyone who appeared to have money or some kind of celebrity status.  There were also day-trippers; people who would show up and spend a day or two and then leave, as well as a few dilettante members; people who continued to maintain their own lives and bank accounts outside of the group who were not at the mercy of whatever handouts or allotments were doled out to the more dependent members.  But, the ego boost that some women got by their becoming one of 'Yahowha's women' translated into them seeing or viewing themselves wiser and above the rest of the 'family' members, but also translated into them having more material comforts and benefits they believed their 'special' status warranted; like when one 'council' woman commandeered a woman's credit card to shop for new dresses at I. Magnin meant only for herself and the rest of 'Yahowha's women'.  I know, boo hoo, because I never had one of those dresses from I. Magnin, but that was the kind of disparity that was created around Father Yod and 'his women.'  Jim Baker was constantly exhibiting favoritism where some people were allowed more than their fair share, while the rest of the family members simply 'got by' with whatever they could scrounge or find; because of the class system that grew out of the superior self-interest of some of the women (and men) who clamored around Yahowha. The last thing that I ever cared about was showing deference or respect to any of the 'council' women; because of the selfish and self-serving behavior of some; something that I observed and wanted nothing to do with; but then, I had joined when Jim Baker had only one woman his wife, Robin, before he started his accumulation and impregnation of other women; women whom I refused to see as being worthy of either my respect or obedience just because they were having sex with Jim Baker!  It was as though everyone were sitting on the edge of their seats; waiting to see which new woman Father Yod would add to his already increasing stable of women!  Father Yod's addition of another woman within his 'family' became a source of entertainment, in an otherwise boring and enervated existence in the continued pandering and worship of the ground that Father Yod walked upon.  So, it came as no surprise when he created a 'council' of his 'women' to run the daily affairs of 'the family' where a couple of these women became his lieutenants marching around carrying out his orders, trying to wield their newfound sense of power and position.  That was when the entire dynamic of The Source Family became more like a fiefdom with a ruling class, rather than the carefree, joyful brotherhood experience which people initially felt and shared at the very beginning of the group.  The few who wanted power and control turned what was once a happy state of equal coexistence among 'family' members into a travail of 'fear and loathing' trying to avoid being called before 'the council' for some infraction!  Other former family members have jokingly shared with me the various ways they used to avoid the more controlling 'council' women and their disapproval or reproval. But, that was the atmosphere created around 'Yahowha' and his women, and there were many people who were victimized by a few of the more aggressive 'council' women. Showing respect along with humble obedience catering to the personal needs and waiting on Yahowha's 'special' female companion 'mother/angel' was just one example of the many types of servile behavior cultivated in The Source Family.  Any new women deemed as 'angels' were conscripted into waiting on Yahowha's women and providing childcare for his babies, in order to free up 'his women' to allow them to sit in his presence. Seriously, that was the extent of pandering servile behavior encouraged and rewarded of many who joined The Source Family; especially in the latter days, after the entire group relocated to Hawaii where it grew exponentially worse   But, the Source Family produced some tremendous spiritual egos: people who still believe their sole purpose in life is to spread Father Yod's 'teachings' to the rest of humanity who exhibit imperious and condescending attitudes towards anyone who challenges their misplaced beliefs that they're doing 'the great work' of Yahowha.  But, yes; I will concede that there were some happy, carefree short-lived days of repose in the early part of The Source Family. I look at the expression on my face in photographs from those early days at The Mother House where I can still be seen smiling, to the days at The Atherton Mansion in San Francisco where my smile was replaced with a more somber ambivalent expression of someone who had found themselves trapped in a cult unable to extricate themselves where daily life had become one long test of endurance with the loss of personal autonomy that was replaced with only the daily chanting, breathing exercises and repetition of magical sayings and incantations beseeching invisible forces to convey power and knowledge which only fed the continuing group bubble of delusion that everyone in The Source Family were becoming 'saints' and 'saviors' heralding in the age of aquarius, all the while quality of life within 'the family' deteriorated.  Yet, all that magical thinking and ceremonial magic did was to reinforce more and more delusional thinking which did provide degrees of mental succor to endure the worsening living conditions; it just didn't change anything!  But there was literally not enough food to eat at times, after the majority of people were shipped to Hawaii at both the Hilo Doc Hill mansion and then later at the Hilo country club where I can remember locking myself with my infant son in an empty room above the garage so that he could safely crawl around next to me so that I could sleep and rest suffering from might have been a mild case of hep A, due to the extreme fatigue that I was experiencing; alternating between that and wandering into the kitchen area to see if there was any food to eat; food that had become very scarce.  But, not everyone suffered during those times; a few of the men could escape into town during the day to pursue 'family' business enterprises where they could at least be afforded something to eat for themselves, to be secretly shared with others.  Because escaping or sneaking off to find food became very prevalent within The Source Family.  Once a woman was 'busted' and called before 'the council', after she received some money in the mail from her 'real' family and went into town with a couple of other women where they bought and ate cheese.  Because at that point, especially while in Hilo life in The Source Family had become dire.  So, for anyone who has vicariously joined The Source Family and been given an honorary 'aquarian' name who are extolling the virtues and benefits of 'the family' believing it to have been a wonderfully magical place and the epitome of 'new age' healthy, alternative communal or group living or Jim Baker to have been a wise and holy man; they have no idea what they're talking about.  Because aside from its very earliest beginnings, life in The Source Family became disparate, dysfunctional and desperate.  All of which is why it is very hard for me to concede the experience being much more than the restrictive, isolating and debilitating cult situation that it became, and I also refuse to leave my son with a false image of what life was really like in The Source Family.

Friday, February 5, 2016

Divine Purpose

To me, if there is a 'divine purpose' in life; I believe it would be to save lives....especially the lives of babies and children who are helpless when they enter the world and who are at the mercy of their parents or caregivers to keep them fed, warm and safe---people who would hopefully make the right decisions when it came to their children's health and well-being most of all in a life and death situation. But that didn't happen for all infants in The Source Family, because it became more important to adhere to and follow Jim Baker's beliefs that he imposed on his followers in shunning the use of Western medicine opting for a more 'new agey' or 'faith-based' approach that modern medicine hampers the body's ability to heal itself and would interfere with the 'soul' with a blood transfusion, and an even more harmful and detrimental belief that any infant or child who developed a life-threatening health issue was its own 'karma' in life, and was 'meant to be' and that if that child died, it would be calmly viewed as that soul's release. That is exactly the kind of faulty and detrimental belief system that was part of the 'teachings' of Jim Baker/Father Yod that a few are so determined to 'spread' around the globe.  It is my feeling that when religious zealotry and 'new age' beliefs based on only faith healing or the 'soul's karma' deciding one's fate and supersedes everything else jeopardizing the health, well-being and lives of helpless children and infants; than something is fundamentally wrong with that belief system.

Yet, 'playing God' with his followers lives is exactly what Father Yod did.  Which is why I cannot understand why anyone can profess the man to have been either wise or holy, because he believed that medical treatment would hinder rather than heal, and so using modern medical procedures was discouraged by our 'earthly spiritual father' to such a degree that he included it in his 'ten commandments for the age of aquarius.'  So, any family member who went against one of Father Yod's commandments was seen as being a 'non-believer' or being 'ye of little faith' or being negative towards our illustrious spiritual leader; who wanted everyone to calmly accept the deaths of infants because he believed we should all live in an imaginary 'garden of eden' existence similar to that in biblical times cut off from the rest of society shunning the use of modern medicine. 

A couple of other babies also didn't survive The Source Family -- one woman who lost her baby during childbirth might have been prevented with some prenatal care, where another woman's unborn child did not survive after her receiving an electrical shock from a coffeemaker, but who knows perhaps medical intervention of some kind may have saved her baby's life.  I don't believe there is one parent reading this who would not sacrifice themselves in order to save the life of their child, yet normal and healthy reactions and responses in life and death situations within The Source Family were muted and subdued and replaced with compliance to the groupthink that flourished that nobody use medical help of any kind.  I saw men and women become emotionally impoverished in The Source Family feeling helpless and powerless, due to many of what I considered to be harmful edicts of Father Yod.  Which is why the few who are desperately trying to spread the 'teachings' of Father Yod to have the general public accept him as being worthy of sainthood or as being some kind of cultural hero are determined to dismiss, deny or ignore and explain away the deaths of infants using scripted phrases like, 'it was the soul's journey not to remain for long in this earthly existence' or 'it was their time' or 'it was meant to be', or any of the other inane and countless ways to hide or explain away the fact that babies who were in dire need of medical help were denied their chance at a happy and healthy life, as my son and many other babies went on to have who were able to survive The Source Family.

The refusal to use any modern medicine or medical procedures was simply because one religious zealot believed at the time that using modern medicine was more harmful then using whatever means possible to preserve human life--medical treatment that we are so lucky to have in our pampered Western lives.  If Jim Baker had chosen to seek medical help himself, after plummeting from the sky in a hang glider rather than choosing to just lay there and die, he might have survived to watch his own children grow, but instead he became a victim/casualty of his own beliefs.  Oh, but by all means let's try and spread around and perpetuate Father Yod's example of how to die: that 'it's God's will so let's all just stand around and do nothing' apathetic belief.

There are women with babies and children in poor countries all around the world who are facing sickness, disease and death who would give anything to have the medical facilities that are so readily available to us in our Western culture, and yet there are many 'new agers' who risk their own children's health and well-being by completely shunning modern medicine replacing it with only wishful thinking and herbal salves alone.  But, sitting there and doing nothing because of some deluded belief or fear that modern medicine is something to be feared and entirely avoided is really stupid and careless in my mind.  For me, there is just no way to attach any kind of spiritual meaning or purpose to the deaths of two babies who never received any kind of medical intervention which might have saved their tiny lives.  Like other former 'source family' members, initially when the whitewashed and sanitized book of one former member was released and then the consequent film that was made based on that book came out; I tried to get on the bandwagon and engaged other former family members sharing our thoughts and memories from that experience commiserating over the deprivations and hardships that many of us experienced where I kept hearing more and more sad, heartbreaking and heartwrenching stories of personal loss and residual emotional and physical damage that being in 'the source family' had in their lives---to the point that I found I could no longer pretend or feign that it was all some wonderful paradise on earth or that I held any kind of respect or reverence for Jim Baker.

If you saw your own child lying there screaming and crying wouldn't you do everything in your power out of sheer desperation to save your child's life and either rush them to the emergency room or call an ambulance, or would you just sit there and watch them suffer believing that it was 'God's will' and that medical intervention was far worse for their soul's journey and that their possible death would be seen as a 'liberation' of their soul, because that is exactly what Jim Baker was able to convince the members of his 'cult of personality' (his personality) was the 'Aquarian' way and using modern Western medicine went against one of his 'Aquarian' commandments. So, I urge people to think about what I have just written and then consider if going along with the promotion of 'Father Yod and The Source Family' is still worthy of the hyper-inflated media coverage of the group being 'the darlings of the Sunset Strip.'  I especially urge any former family members who might be reading this blog, to really think about and consider what you are doing by showing support or encouragement in the continued promotion of 'Father Yod/Yahowha' or The Source Family as being exemplary examples of some kind of 'new age' healthy lifestyle, when babies were allowed to suffer and die under the direction and guidance of a man who lost perspective about what really mattered in order to maintain the illusion of being an 'earthly spiritual father' and having his 'Aquarian' directives followed and obeyed.

Using the excuse, 'Well, that was just what happened in that time frame' in order for some to mentally distance themselves from all of the misguided and harmful things that took place in the Source Family is the attitude that some have adopted, but forty years really does not change things enough to dismiss or overlook them simply by assigning them to the seventies.  Which is why I encourage former members to please stop and consider what they are doing by continuing to show their support and belief in the 'teachings' of Jim Baker, because they are sending a message to their own children and grandchildren that infant deaths were acceptable, along with the other unhealthy practices that were a result of following him. 

Would you really want your own children to join a 'Source Family' and surrender themselves to a man like Jim Baker and participate and obey his every command, even if that command might result in the death of their own child?  I don't think so; so why do you continue to feign that the 'Source Family' still exists, and bolster up/show support for the small handful of people who only want to profit from the story for their own self promotion, and who continue to pander to the interests of others who want to profit off either the music or the story?

The Source Family was a failure and ended for a reason---not to be resuscitated 40+ years later, dusted off and have a new spin put on all of it in order to gather and gain new followers or believers in Father Yod, and that former members like me are seen as 'airing dirty laundry' rather than exposing the tragic circumstances that were the result of following a cult leader's derelict and irresponsible belief system. The Source Family failed and thankfully ended, because a cult formed around the personality of Jim Baker, whose belief system impoverished people from responding and behaving in rational, healthy ways.

Monday, February 1, 2016

Not The Only One

Posted on what has become the facebook 'chat room' for the few remaining diehard followers of 'Yahowha', a couple of fans & followers and a those with a vested financial interest called 'the source family ohana' wall; the one person behind the entire perpetuation of the 'source family'/Father Yod mythos, wrote, "I GUESS every family, every situation and every commune ends up with that one person who makes it their NOW life Mission to make sure everyone is updated on how negative and bad their experience was and how the rest of us are duped spreading unfounded or misunderstood rumors."  OMG!!  Really??  As if it's somehow better to hide and ignore the truth about the deaths of babies and the ingesting of semen and menstrual blood for the hero-worship of Jim Baker along with a 'magical' version of events; then definitely consider me that one person!  But, nothing that I have written about on this blog is 'unfounded or misunderstood rumors'!  Good grief.  But, it is to be expected from the one person who has built her entire life around the hero-worship of Father Yod, and uses the same tactics or ploys to obfuscate and hide the truth!  But, if this person really thinks that I'm 'the only one' to come out of the experience with something other than happy memories; she is more deluded than I thought.  I don't mind being labeled an 'unhappy or disgruntled' former member, if it means telling the truth about the experience rather than opting for her ridiculous rhetoric about 'God-esses' and hero-worship and all the rest of what I consider to be 'spiritual' gobbledegook.   But, this is because this one person has been allowed to 'run amok' unchallenged for so many years now; where the truth has been sacrificed, hidden and buried in order for a couple of people to promote and enrich themselves.  But, I will no longer subscribe to anymore of the whitewashed and idealized version of events or adhere to any sanitized storyline just so a couple of people who see themselves as leaders and authorities on both Jim Baker and the entire 'source family' narrative can maintain their public personas in order to pursue their own personal agendas; which is just one of the reasons I started this blog.  But, I am certainly not 'the only one'; I just happen to be the one who decided to speak out publicly to expose all of the sordid, detrimental and tragic things that happened in The Source Family, and bring some reality or balance to the unchecked hyperbole that up until now has surrounded the whole thing.  But, I am certainly not the only one who was left with disturbing and unsettling feelings and views from being in 'the source family.'  But, there will also always be one person who clings to the past with only their selective ideal memories about what transpired; choosing to ignore or hide anything dark or disturbing, or that doesn't agree with their fairy tale version.  But, it is my feeling that people in the world today want to know the truth about everything, rather than only being fed the false outward appearance of something.  Let the person accusing me of being 'the only one' to challenge her embellished and idealized version actually respond to the very real things that I have exposed here on this blog; such as infant deaths and the practice of 'sex magic', as I have described and let people read/see her explanations of all of that!  Because what I've been writing about on this blog was more than just having a bad experience at summer camp.  It's time that people are told the truth, rather than just being fed more of the same 'spiritualized' source jargon.  But, I am certainly not the 'only one' to have come out of 'the source family' with horror stories and bad memories; I just happen to be the only one to go so public.  But, the narrative of one woman whose own entire 'life mission' has been the promotion and exaltation of Jim Baker to deity status has been one of obfuscation and dissembling about the realities or facts about either the 'sex magic' imposed on the group, or the infant deaths that occurred or any of the other sordid things that took place 40 years ago in The Source Family.  There is just no way in hell that I'm going to turn a blind eye anymore or ignore what really happened in exchange for adhering to a glamorized and sensationalized version of everything in order to appear more appealing to the public, or remain in a tacit silence or attach some kind of pseudo cosmic meaningfulness to all of the harmful, distressing and detrimental things that happened; especially just so one person can maintain their pomposity of being a 'high priestess' or 'temple keeper' as they claim.  So, again I challenge the person trying to dismiss me as being 'the only one' who had a 'bad trip', to openly, publicly and honestly (if that's even possible) address the 'sex magic' called qudosh, and the infant deaths that I have exposed here, and allow the public to decide for themselves.  It's time for the truth, rather than the trumped-up ethicality that's being fobbed off onto the public.  My belief is that once the public has all of the facts; they will decide if Jim Baker's teachings or mores that he imposed on 'the family' are worthy of praise or censure.  Nothing that I have written about on this blog is untrue or did not happen.  Everything that I have written about in this blog actually happened; it just doesn't have a 'spiritualized' spin attached to it as one person continually tries to do.  Covering up the truth or trying to obscure it behind the doctrinaire of 'Yahowha's' followers who use oblique explanations to dismiss and hide everything that went on in The Source Family that the public would find abhorrent does a disservice to all of the former members and their children who feel anger, regret or moral outrage for being forced into practices that were clearly harmful, and who suffered personal and emotional loss or damage for having surrendered their personal freedoms to one man.